scarletngrey11
All right, all right, all right.
Um, I'd definantly edit that before more people see this...
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- Thread starter BuckShots
- Start date
I just heard some other folks slam Buckeye fans for their behavior at the Texas game today, this really helps me understand........
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Lazlo
Good people drink good beer. ~ HST
Buck Shots your whole post reminded me of the kid from GUMMO (the older kid, not the little skinny one who was doing curls in the basement of his house with home made dumbells made out of spoons and duct tape, while listening to madonna's lucky star, and having his mom tap dancing like a crack head in the backround continually screaming at him to smile) who did a stand up act for the guy who just pimped out his down syndrome sister to him minutes before.
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BuckShots
Banned
Honestly, gentleman....I have been writing these every week for the past 3 years. They are merely jokes and fun things to at least make someone smile at their desk during the long week. As I am sure you all know- there is no malintent or other....So, I hope you all enjoy!
Oh yea- No, the drug reference is definitely not real! Just having fun with the thought.
Yes, I was the guy that outed the infamous secret double probation website that prompted them to move their server. Kind of funny actually!
Have fun and enjoy- I will post my other emails from the past few games!
Oh yea- No, the drug reference is definitely not real! Just having fun with the thought.
Yes, I was the guy that outed the infamous secret double probation website that prompted them to move their server. Kind of funny actually!
Have fun and enjoy- I will post my other emails from the past few games!
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BuckShots
Banned
Buckeye Friends and Family-
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Well, what can I truly say? Other than- “We played a great game and the best team won.” Are you kidding me? That is like saying that ruptured nose capillaries belie the clarity of ones wisdom! Speaking of that-Our coaching decisions were more off balance than Ted Kennedy at a log-rolling contest, on St. Patrick’s Day, with an inner-ear infection. How do you replace a quarterback after he makes a 40yd touchdown pass in the end zone? That smells worse than a Parisian Cab Driver, getting a perm in the basement of an Asian slaughterhouse. Well, what can we do?- So, Tress lost a game, its not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that one time when I was 14. Oh God, what did I just admit…..
<o:p></o:p>
Ok, now that I have all of that out on the table. This week’s opponent comes to us from the friendly confines of San Diego… The home of surfing, strippers, the San Diego Zoo and Sea World! Ahhh, Sea World- reminds me of the time when my son asked me what a blow hole was for….I’ll tell you what it’s not for- and when I do, you’ll understand why I can never go back to Sea World. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa….Let’s not pass judgment here: Strippers are people too; naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to shame them, 'cause most of them are already dead inside. Wait, where the hell was I going with all of that? See what happens when the Buckeyes lose so early in the season? Ok, back to the Mighty Azteks…Let’s face it- Ohio State is not gonna lay down for some California frat boy bastards with Teva sandals, Skoal Bandits and Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henleys smoking sticky buds out of a soda can while debating the reality of the characters in the movie Point Break. No, it is not believable that Keanu Reeves aka Johnny Utah could have played QB at Ohio State and is Patrick Swayze still alive? Are you freakin’ kidding me…? The actor who said “Nobody puts Baby in the corner” as a rogue surfer? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…<o:p></o:p>
Ok people- Lets shake off the 18 hour tailgate hangover from last week and prepare to help the Buckeyes run the table. There are 9 games left, a few road trips, and 5 tailgates left. We just may meet the Longhorns again in the National Championship…Ahhhh drunk talk, sweet beautiful drunk talk. Ohio State 67- San Diego State 7. Let’s bring the wood boys.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
I hope to see everyone at the tailgate on Saturday. We are still located in the East Lot parking lot directly to the left of the Jessie Owens Memorial (the steel sculpture- located in front of the stadium) Look for the Brutus on the roof of a Silver Durango and a Black Expedition. Well, I better get back to curing my Stigmata. I leave you with a quote from <o:p></o:p>
The great Spalding Smails from Caddy Shack-“ This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.”
<o:p></o:p>
Go Bucks and Yea-Ohio,
Coach D.
Aka Dennis J.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Well, what can I truly say? Other than- “We played a great game and the best team won.” Are you kidding me? That is like saying that ruptured nose capillaries belie the clarity of ones wisdom! Speaking of that-Our coaching decisions were more off balance than Ted Kennedy at a log-rolling contest, on St. Patrick’s Day, with an inner-ear infection. How do you replace a quarterback after he makes a 40yd touchdown pass in the end zone? That smells worse than a Parisian Cab Driver, getting a perm in the basement of an Asian slaughterhouse. Well, what can we do?- So, Tress lost a game, its not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that one time when I was 14. Oh God, what did I just admit…..
<o:p></o:p>
Ok, now that I have all of that out on the table. This week’s opponent comes to us from the friendly confines of San Diego… The home of surfing, strippers, the San Diego Zoo and Sea World! Ahhh, Sea World- reminds me of the time when my son asked me what a blow hole was for….I’ll tell you what it’s not for- and when I do, you’ll understand why I can never go back to Sea World. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa….Let’s not pass judgment here: Strippers are people too; naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to shame them, 'cause most of them are already dead inside. Wait, where the hell was I going with all of that? See what happens when the Buckeyes lose so early in the season? Ok, back to the Mighty Azteks…Let’s face it- Ohio State is not gonna lay down for some California frat boy bastards with Teva sandals, Skoal Bandits and Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henleys smoking sticky buds out of a soda can while debating the reality of the characters in the movie Point Break. No, it is not believable that Keanu Reeves aka Johnny Utah could have played QB at Ohio State and is Patrick Swayze still alive? Are you freakin’ kidding me…? The actor who said “Nobody puts Baby in the corner” as a rogue surfer? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…<o:p></o:p>
Ok people- Lets shake off the 18 hour tailgate hangover from last week and prepare to help the Buckeyes run the table. There are 9 games left, a few road trips, and 5 tailgates left. We just may meet the Longhorns again in the National Championship…Ahhhh drunk talk, sweet beautiful drunk talk. Ohio State 67- San Diego State 7. Let’s bring the wood boys.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
I hope to see everyone at the tailgate on Saturday. We are still located in the East Lot parking lot directly to the left of the Jessie Owens Memorial (the steel sculpture- located in front of the stadium) Look for the Brutus on the roof of a Silver Durango and a Black Expedition. Well, I better get back to curing my Stigmata. I leave you with a quote from <o:p></o:p>
The great Spalding Smails from Caddy Shack-“ This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.”
<o:p></o:p>
Go Bucks and Yea-Ohio,
Coach D.
Aka Dennis J.
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BuckShots
Banned
Hello Buckeye Friends and Family-
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Buckeye Magnets are attached to car doors, OSU Flags Flying proudly from garages everywhere, chants of O-H-I-O flowing from up and down High Street, and Coach D. is dusting off the laptop. All signs that the BUCKEYES are back in town-
<o:p></o:p>
I can only imagine the anxiety that you are all feeling: Will the Buckeyes reach the Rose Bowl? Are we really as good as the 2002 team? Will Teddy “Touchdown” Ginn live up to the hype? Is Coach D going to continue his weekly rants and raves before each game? For the answers to these questions- I turn to a quote from my 3 year-old son- “You’re damn right!” I’d like to hear the kid with a hearing aid on Barney say that!!
<o:p></o:p>
This email will mark the fourth season that you have been subjected to my whacked out views and thoughts. I have received countless emails trying to figure out: Who are you? Where are you from? What the hell is wrong with you? So- here you are…….I was raised by a warm, glowing box made of metal, glass, and wood. No- I am not talking about some magical robot vagina. I am talking about television. However, of all the TV characters that raised me, there are a few in particular that made me the man I am today.
<o:p></o:p>
So, there you are… a little look into the clouded brain of Coach D.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Now- on to business! The foe of the week is a viable foe from southern Ohio- The Miami University Redhawks. Now, I don’t want to say that this game is going to be a walk in the park- However, lets be honest here, the Redhawks have about as much chance of winning as NBC green-lighting a new series called CSI- Sesame Street…I can see it now- Bert waking up from an all night bender with Ernie begging him not to answer the homicide call and complaining that he has been drinking too much. Then, Bert yelling at Ernie for eating cookies in bed and being a drama queen.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Oh Dear God- where have I gone? Anyway- going back to the Buckeyes….You can fully expect the defense to come out with the ferocity of Hurricane Katrina. I can hear it now- The excited voice of Paul Keels belting out- “To the 40-30-20-10 TOUCHDOWN AJ Hawk after administering a HUGE hit causing the fumble. How about that???”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Hopefully I will see everyone at the usual tailgate spot: The East lot next to the stadium- just east of the Jessie Owens Memorial on the end. (Thanks to the immortal and gracious FROSTY) Look for a Black Expedition, a silver Durango and the blow up 9’ Brutus. I leave you all with a quote from Homer Simpson- “God Bless those Pegans” Ohio State 42- Miami 10<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Go Bucks and Yea-Ohio,<o:p></o:p>
Coach D.<o:p></o:p>
AKA Dennis J.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Buckeye Magnets are attached to car doors, OSU Flags Flying proudly from garages everywhere, chants of O-H-I-O flowing from up and down High Street, and Coach D. is dusting off the laptop. All signs that the BUCKEYES are back in town-
<o:p></o:p>
I can only imagine the anxiety that you are all feeling: Will the Buckeyes reach the Rose Bowl? Are we really as good as the 2002 team? Will Teddy “Touchdown” Ginn live up to the hype? Is Coach D going to continue his weekly rants and raves before each game? For the answers to these questions- I turn to a quote from my 3 year-old son- “You’re damn right!” I’d like to hear the kid with a hearing aid on Barney say that!!
<o:p></o:p>
This email will mark the fourth season that you have been subjected to my whacked out views and thoughts. I have received countless emails trying to figure out: Who are you? Where are you from? What the hell is wrong with you? So- here you are…….I was raised by a warm, glowing box made of metal, glass, and wood. No- I am not talking about some magical robot vagina. I am talking about television. However, of all the TV characters that raised me, there are a few in particular that made me the man I am today.
<o:p></o:p>
- <LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">MacGyver- Taught me how to get a lady pregnant with a condom, a bucket of oysters, and a pair of scissors. <LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Optimus Prime from The Transformers- Taught me bravery, leadership, and how to turn into a kick-ass truck. <LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Tony Miceli of Who’s the Boss?- Showed me its not gay to do housework- as long as your poor. By the way, was he totally doing Angela or what? <LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Dylan McKay of Beverly Hills 90210- Taught me how to leave a wicked cool outgoing message on my answering machine: “Hey this is D- I’m not here..You know the drill!” <LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Jo from The facts of Life- Taught me that women can be men too. <LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Airwolf- That sophisticated battle helicopter gave me my first erection. Still have not figured that one out. <LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Arthur Fonzarelli- Smoking is not cool, never mess with turkeys, and if you wear a leather jacket you are impervious to STD’s.
- K.I.T.T from KnightRider­-Proved that the Pontiac Trans-Am is not only cheesy- but gay! (The only talking car with a lisp)
So, there you are… a little look into the clouded brain of Coach D.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Now- on to business! The foe of the week is a viable foe from southern Ohio- The Miami University Redhawks. Now, I don’t want to say that this game is going to be a walk in the park- However, lets be honest here, the Redhawks have about as much chance of winning as NBC green-lighting a new series called CSI- Sesame Street…I can see it now- Bert waking up from an all night bender with Ernie begging him not to answer the homicide call and complaining that he has been drinking too much. Then, Bert yelling at Ernie for eating cookies in bed and being a drama queen.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Oh Dear God- where have I gone? Anyway- going back to the Buckeyes….You can fully expect the defense to come out with the ferocity of Hurricane Katrina. I can hear it now- The excited voice of Paul Keels belting out- “To the 40-30-20-10 TOUCHDOWN AJ Hawk after administering a HUGE hit causing the fumble. How about that???”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Hopefully I will see everyone at the usual tailgate spot: The East lot next to the stadium- just east of the Jessie Owens Memorial on the end. (Thanks to the immortal and gracious FROSTY) Look for a Black Expedition, a silver Durango and the blow up 9’ Brutus. I leave you all with a quote from Homer Simpson- “God Bless those Pegans” Ohio State 42- Miami 10<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Go Bucks and Yea-Ohio,<o:p></o:p>
Coach D.<o:p></o:p>
AKA Dennis J.
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BuckShots
Banned
Hello Buckeye Friends and Family-
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Well my Buckeye family, we have learned many valuable lessons this past week. We learned that Coach Tress is not afraid open up the offense. We learned that our linebackers are really “THAT” good. We learned that our team wants to dominate games and not go with the usual heart attack brand of football. On a personal note- I learned that I could feel important even without alcohol. (Which is a nice balance) I also learned that not only can I play the piano when I am drunk, but also I can vomit, fall down, and make dirty calls to my ex-wife’s sister. Lets just say that it didn’t go over very well with her husband. Well, he has kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his mailbox. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly,” and replace “mailbox” with “dog.”
<o:p></o:p>
Speaking of lessons- I thought I would give you a peek into the mind of a Texan. What makes Texans so crazy? What kind of whacked culture makes them so obsessed with their own statehood? What’s up with those f’ing hats? Let’s start with language: Remember that “Y’all” is singular, “All Y’all” is plural, and “All Y’all’s” is plural possessive. Now with this in mind- if you hear a Texan on Saturday exclaim, “Hey, all y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. Also- remember that the word “fix” is used as an auxiliary verb. Example: “Ahm fixin’ to go Wall-Martin.”
<o:p></o:p>
Ok, now lets get to the fine points of this game. Is it me, or does Texas QB- Vince Young look like that Rocky Dennis kid from the movie Mask starring Cher? Yea, I know that I may be a little harsh. At least I didn’t use a Corky from Life Goes on reference. Wait, didn’t he go on to sing country music in Texas? You must all be wondering- “What is Coach D. going to do next?- Proclaim to be the Lord Jesus Christ and threaten to get drunk and beat up a couple of midgets?” Let’s just say that anything is possible! As a friend told me last Saturday- "I can't make any promises past an hour from now."
<o:p></o:p>
This week’s game is going to be an absolute shoot-out in The Shoe. But let’s keep in mind that the Texas Longhorns are nothing more than the lesbian sisters of the Michigan Wolverines. So, break out your scarlet and gray, put on your buckeye necklaces, and paint your faces in honor of the great Psycho- cause the Bucks are going to the Rose Bowl on the backs of a Longhorn. Ohio State 17- Texas 10.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
We will be starting up the tailgate at 8am on Saturday. There will be Texas Hold ‘em, Cornhole, and an X-box tournament. We hope to see everyone there! Remember- we are located just to the left (East) of the Jessie Owen’s memorial in the East Stadium lot. Look for the Black Expedition and Silver Durango. See you there-<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
This week I quote a great Texan- President George W. Bush…”Fool me once, shame on you..Fool me, you can’t get fooled again.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Go Bucks and Yea-Ohio,<o:p></o:p>
Coach D. aka Dennis J
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Well my Buckeye family, we have learned many valuable lessons this past week. We learned that Coach Tress is not afraid open up the offense. We learned that our linebackers are really “THAT” good. We learned that our team wants to dominate games and not go with the usual heart attack brand of football. On a personal note- I learned that I could feel important even without alcohol. (Which is a nice balance) I also learned that not only can I play the piano when I am drunk, but also I can vomit, fall down, and make dirty calls to my ex-wife’s sister. Lets just say that it didn’t go over very well with her husband. Well, he has kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his mailbox. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly,” and replace “mailbox” with “dog.”
<o:p></o:p>
Speaking of lessons- I thought I would give you a peek into the mind of a Texan. What makes Texans so crazy? What kind of whacked culture makes them so obsessed with their own statehood? What’s up with those f’ing hats? Let’s start with language: Remember that “Y’all” is singular, “All Y’all” is plural, and “All Y’all’s” is plural possessive. Now with this in mind- if you hear a Texan on Saturday exclaim, “Hey, all y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. Also- remember that the word “fix” is used as an auxiliary verb. Example: “Ahm fixin’ to go Wall-Martin.”
<o:p></o:p>
Ok, now lets get to the fine points of this game. Is it me, or does Texas QB- Vince Young look like that Rocky Dennis kid from the movie Mask starring Cher? Yea, I know that I may be a little harsh. At least I didn’t use a Corky from Life Goes on reference. Wait, didn’t he go on to sing country music in Texas? You must all be wondering- “What is Coach D. going to do next?- Proclaim to be the Lord Jesus Christ and threaten to get drunk and beat up a couple of midgets?” Let’s just say that anything is possible! As a friend told me last Saturday- "I can't make any promises past an hour from now."
<o:p></o:p>
This week’s game is going to be an absolute shoot-out in The Shoe. But let’s keep in mind that the Texas Longhorns are nothing more than the lesbian sisters of the Michigan Wolverines. So, break out your scarlet and gray, put on your buckeye necklaces, and paint your faces in honor of the great Psycho- cause the Bucks are going to the Rose Bowl on the backs of a Longhorn. Ohio State 17- Texas 10.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
We will be starting up the tailgate at 8am on Saturday. There will be Texas Hold ‘em, Cornhole, and an X-box tournament. We hope to see everyone there! Remember- we are located just to the left (East) of the Jessie Owen’s memorial in the East Stadium lot. Look for the Black Expedition and Silver Durango. See you there-<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
This week I quote a great Texan- President George W. Bush…”Fool me once, shame on you..Fool me, you can’t get fooled again.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Go Bucks and Yea-Ohio,<o:p></o:p>
Coach D. aka Dennis J
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buckeyegrad
Don't Immanentize the Eschaton
So what, does Mr. Saturday Night think this is a Friar's Club Roast?
And to think, I haven't had to use this since Donny was last on here:
And to think, I haven't had to use this since Donny was last on here:
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