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"now you're talkin!" Cool unzipped his pants.

Candy leaned forward in to the front seat, sat in the passenger seat, leaned over and began to oblige.

Cool hit the gas. The speedometer hit 80 as he made his way on to the highway out of South Bend. "Yeeeeeee HAWWWWW" he yeld.

Candy stopped momentarily, "I love cowboys"

"Oh, then you'll love me lots, sweets." Cool grabbed a pistol from the backseat, the first one his fingers found. He shot out the window. "You'll love me quite a bit indeed."

"Aint never heard no cowboy say "indeed"" She guffawed.
 
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Cool starts wiping his glasses off without realizing that the rag is covered in shoe polish. When he puts them back on he thinks he has gone blind and freaks out. He jerks the wheel and the car flies all over the road.
This causes Candy to scrape the tip of his dong with her teeth, which causes Cool to jerk the wheel one more time. By the time Candy reaches up and takes his glasses off it's too late. The car is off the road and headed for a tree.
 
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As the car bounces over the scrub, Candy's head bounces up and hits Cool's arm and the steering wheel, the car veers sharply left and misses the tree. As she falls backwards and struggles to get her balance, she grabs the steering wheel. The car veers sharply right and flies over a culvert and amazingly bounces back onto the road.

Smug look on his face, Cool mutters, "that was nice Candy, but I'd rather keep most of the excitement in the car next time."
 
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"I tell you what," says Cool, "I'll just pull over so you can finish what you were doing." Cool pulls over to the side of the road.

"Oh, don't you worry, sugar, I like doing this almost as much as you like getting it."

Then, out of nowhere, they hear an air horn.

"What the fuck is that?" Cool wonders aloud, turning to look...and not believing what he saw. For there, less than 500 yards away, came a convertible "wide load" semi, barrelling along directly towards them at top speed. And behind the wheel is none other than a massive cyborg with a penis tattoe on his face.
 
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"Motherfucker." Cool grabbed a handful of Candy's hair and pulled her reluctantly off his member. "Goddamn it, mother fucker!"

"What's the deal" Candy said."

"Behind us! we gotta bail, and NOW!"

Candy looked and immediately recognized why. She jumped in to the back seat as Cool hit the gas. Seeing that he'd get run over, he veered off the road in to a corn field. The cyborg driven wide load missed Cool's bumper by only a matter of inches. From behind him, Candy calmly exclaimed, "no rockets? Well that's a bitch."

Cool made his way back up to the main road, he did a U-turn and headed back towards South Bend. He could see the cyborg truck turning back on to the road as well, but off in the distance considerably. Cool took his first exit, some dark county road, heading south.

"I think we might have lost him." Cool said, his now limp penis still exposed. "No rocket launcher?"

"Oh, yeah, hon. I love blowin shit up."

"Shoulda guessed."

"Anyway, shall I finish the job or do you want me to stay back here incase dickface shows up again. I know how to use these things you know, and frankly, I'm a better shot than you."

"You've never seen me shoot."

"Doesn't matter."
 
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Just then, Santa Claus and 15 of his elves from the north pole pulled up in an H2 and told Cool and Candy to get in, before the media circus found them and crushed them with their large, almost cartoon-like boots. Cool and Candy, too exhausted from the days' events (and from Cool's embarassment at being sexually inadequate for Candy) at that point to ask questions, jumped into the Hummer.

The Hummer drove off, and Cool, looking out the rear window, saw that Santa Claus was right: a media frenzy quickly descended upon their last known location and stomped every living thing flat.

Candy, who never truly believed in Santa Claus, began to ask who he really was. Cool, however, never stopped believing in Santa Claus, and started slapping Candy for her unbelief. Santa Claus, being the perfect gentleman, promptly pulled Cool away from Candy, and gave him a lump of coal.

"Hit her with this next time," Santa said.
 
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Zurp said:
Just then, Santa Claus and 15 of his elves from the north pole pulled up in an H2 and told Cool and Candy to get in, before the media circus found them and crushed them with their large, almost cartoon-like boots. Cool and Candy, too exhausted from the days' events (and from Cool's embarassment at being sexually inadequate for Candy) at that point to ask questions, jumped into the Hummer.

The Hummer drove off, and Cool, looking out the rear window, saw that Santa Claus was right: a media frenzy quickly descended upon their last known location and stomped every living thing flat.

Candy, who never truly believed in Santa Claus, began to ask who he really was. Cool, however, never stopped believing in Santa Claus, and started slapping Candy for her unbelief. Santa Claus, being the perfect gentleman, promptly pulled Cool away from Candy, and gave him a lump of coal.

"Hit her with this next time," Santa said.
Click to expand...

Santa, then pulled out his massive, jolly winky that Mrs. Claus thoroughly enjoyed.

"Mrs. Claus always liked being hit with this. It always helped knock some sense into her head, and she also found it quite pleasurable," Santa said.

Cool, very short on ideas, took his advice, and hit Candy in the face with what Santa suggested.

Candy started screaming, and dialed 911. The elf police caught up to Cool in a matter of seconds, and had him surrounded, wanted on two counts of sexual assault.
 
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Mr. Clutch said:
Santa, then pulled out his massive, jolly winky that Mrs. Claus thoroughly enjoyed.

"Mrs. Claus always liked being hit with this. It always helped knock some sense into her head, and she also found it quite pleasurable," Santa said.

Cool, very short on ideas, took his advice, and hit Candy in the face with what Santa suggested.

Candy started screaming, and dialed 911. The elf police caught up to Cool in a matter of seconds, and had him surrounded, wanted on two counts of sexual assault.
Click to expand...

It was at that time that Cool realized that this was all a sting operation. Nothing was as it seemed. The elves were just a bunch of short people who had been rejected when filming the Munchkinland scene from Wizard of Oz, Candy was actually a 26-year-old detective who had been pretending to be a 13-year-old girl on the internet, and Santa was just an ordinary fat guy who frequented message boards under the user name "Zurp."

"I'll get you for this, Zurp," Cool said, as the "elves" threw him in the trunk. Zurp, who was already losing interest in whatever it was he had been doing in the Santa outfit, told Cool to keep the bubble-gum that he had used to hit Candy with. Then Zurp, who was already losing interest in whatever it was he was doing with the Santa costume on, removed his clothes, and shouted, "Up, Up, and Away!" as he ran down the street, horrifying old women and children by the hundreds. He was never heard from or seen ever again.

Cool was found guilty for mail-fraud, endangering the lives of apes and chimpanzees and countless other endangered and exotic animals, and for the alcohol abuse. He was aquitted on the theft of Zurp's bubblegum.

Cool was sentenced to infinity years in prison, with a chance for parole in 2 weeks.

When Cool got to his prison cell, he found a note from his grandfather, who was staying two cells down from him. The note said:
 
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Zurp said:
It was at that time that Cool realized that this was all a sting operation. Nothing was as it seemed. The elves were just a bunch of short people who had been rejected when filming the Munchkinland scene from Wizard of Oz, Candy was actually a 26-year-old detective who had been pretending to be a 13-year-old girl on the internet, and Santa was just an ordinary fat guy who frequented message boards under the user name "Zurp."

"I'll get you for this, Zurp," Cool said, as the "elves" threw him in the trunk. Zurp, who was already losing interest in whatever it was he had been doing in the Santa outfit, told Cool to keep the bubble-gum that he had used to hit Candy with. Then Zurp, who was already losing interest in whatever it was he was doing with the Santa costume on, removed his clothes, and shouted, "Up, Up, and Away!" as he ran down the street, horrifying old women and children by the hundreds. He was never heard from or seen ever again.

Cool was found guilty for mail-fraud, endangering the lives of apes and chimpanzees and countless other endangered and exotic animals, and for the alcohol abuse. He was aquitted on the theft of Zurp's bubblegum.

Cool was sentenced to infinity years in prison, with a chance for parole in 2 weeks.

When Cool got to his prison cell, he found a note from his grandfather, who was staying two cells down from him. The note said:
Click to expand...

"Dear Cool, I know Zurp is supposed to 'never be heard from again,' but believe me there is a good chance that you will see him in the near future. As I'm sure you know, Zurp is not Santa Claus, nor is he a bad man. It just so happens that Zurp likes to dress up in Santa Claus outfits so he can get close to little children, such as yourself, Cool.

Remember to use the bubble gum that Zurp gave you because it will come in handy, Cool..." -Grandpa, June 14, 2067

Weirdly enough, that was all that Cool's grandfather wrote. He shouted over to his grandfather, and asked him what this meant. Unfortunately for Cool, he didn't realize that his grandfather could no longer speak, due to crying and whining so much. His name was Maurice Clarett, and he had been sentenced to life in prison for "blowing his potential."

However, that didn't stop him from making love with a dwarf along the way to prison. Thus, producing Cool's mother.

Cool, spent weeks in his cell, when he decided to call up Cool's grandpa's advisor, Jim Brown, who was well over 100 years old, but still as helpful as he used to be...
 
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