As a member of this board virtually from its inception I have never asked for the help of its members. But now - on this International Day of the Nacho - I must.
The Nacho Bitch is no more.
But I get ahead of myself.
I have been an OSU fan since I could spell OH. I was in the stadium when we screwed Purdue and Leroy too in 1968. Cut me and my blood runs scarlet.
I have seen changes - good and bad. Most of all I have watched as the Athletic departments insatiable greed has exceeded all bounds.
Enormous TV contracts are not enough. They have chased vendors of Buckeye necklaces from University property. The OSU logo adds 20% to the cost of items from sweatshirts to condoms. They charge for seats to place on your seat. They own the words "Ohio", "fight", "across" and "field". Sesame Street must pay a royalty when they cover the letter "O" on their children's program and ODOT was forced to change the route number for the old National Road when Hopalong Cassady's number was retired. I have even paid a surcharge on stadium entry simply for having gray hair.
But now they have gone too far.
They have redesigned their nacho containers - to hold less cheese food product.
Your read correctly. They hold less cheese food product.
I expect my cheese food product to be cold. That is part of the stadium experience. But with the new containers there simply isn't enough cheese food product to adequately cover one's chips.
As any purist knows, the ratio of cheese food product to stale nacho chips is sacrosanct. Like phi or the boner inducing waist-to-hip ratio of an attractive woman you simply don't trifle with it.
The ideal C-to-C ratio is three, meaning that the weight of the chip should increase three-fold when properly loaded with cheese food product. (This ratio can also be expressed as L/f - or the amount of LDL cholesterol per unit of fiber - which in the ideal plate of nachos approaches infinity.)
The C-to-C ratio of the new Nacho containers being sold by OSU is at best 1.5. Sure, I could throw away half my chips. But isn't that precisely what they want us to do? Stay hungry so you will spring for a $7 Donatos pizza (the size of which works out to $179.95 for the equivalent of a medium delivered from one of their stores).
I have lobbied for change. I wrote to Gordon Gee and he responded by saying that "When the fabric of the universe becomes unknown, it is the duty of the university to produce weavers."
Gene Smith said his hands were tied - and would remain that way until he got the full benefit of his $300 session at Dora's Dungeon.
So I must appeal to all of you. My plea is that you boycott OSU nachos until this terrible injustice is rectified.
And what does this have to do with the Nacho Bitch?
To be sure, she has done many vile and disgusting things (oftentimes while I am looking at the top of her head). But even she has a line that is not to be crossed. And selling substandard nacho platters crosses that line.
Accordingly, she has quit her old job and moved down to the Bob Evans Bratwurst booth.
Thanks in advance for your help -
Oh8ch and the Sausage Slut
The Nacho Bitch is no more.
But I get ahead of myself.
I have been an OSU fan since I could spell OH. I was in the stadium when we screwed Purdue and Leroy too in 1968. Cut me and my blood runs scarlet.
I have seen changes - good and bad. Most of all I have watched as the Athletic departments insatiable greed has exceeded all bounds.
Enormous TV contracts are not enough. They have chased vendors of Buckeye necklaces from University property. The OSU logo adds 20% to the cost of items from sweatshirts to condoms. They charge for seats to place on your seat. They own the words "Ohio", "fight", "across" and "field". Sesame Street must pay a royalty when they cover the letter "O" on their children's program and ODOT was forced to change the route number for the old National Road when Hopalong Cassady's number was retired. I have even paid a surcharge on stadium entry simply for having gray hair.
But now they have gone too far.
They have redesigned their nacho containers - to hold less cheese food product.
Your read correctly. They hold less cheese food product.
I expect my cheese food product to be cold. That is part of the stadium experience. But with the new containers there simply isn't enough cheese food product to adequately cover one's chips.
As any purist knows, the ratio of cheese food product to stale nacho chips is sacrosanct. Like phi or the boner inducing waist-to-hip ratio of an attractive woman you simply don't trifle with it.
The ideal C-to-C ratio is three, meaning that the weight of the chip should increase three-fold when properly loaded with cheese food product. (This ratio can also be expressed as L/f - or the amount of LDL cholesterol per unit of fiber - which in the ideal plate of nachos approaches infinity.)
The C-to-C ratio of the new Nacho containers being sold by OSU is at best 1.5. Sure, I could throw away half my chips. But isn't that precisely what they want us to do? Stay hungry so you will spring for a $7 Donatos pizza (the size of which works out to $179.95 for the equivalent of a medium delivered from one of their stores).
I have lobbied for change. I wrote to Gordon Gee and he responded by saying that "When the fabric of the universe becomes unknown, it is the duty of the university to produce weavers."
Gene Smith said his hands were tied - and would remain that way until he got the full benefit of his $300 session at Dora's Dungeon.
So I must appeal to all of you. My plea is that you boycott OSU nachos until this terrible injustice is rectified.
And what does this have to do with the Nacho Bitch?
To be sure, she has done many vile and disgusting things (oftentimes while I am looking at the top of her head). But even she has a line that is not to be crossed. And selling substandard nacho platters crosses that line.
Accordingly, she has quit her old job and moved down to the Bob Evans Bratwurst booth.
Thanks in advance for your help -
Oh8ch and the Sausage Slut
