A. NIGHTMARE SCENARIO
I stated earlier this week that although one should never take The Game lightly I simply couldn't imagine the scenario whereby UM would win this game.
So there we were. Struggling early with our running game and I see Pryor throw a pick six ... And there are my parents singing happy birthday when I am one. And now I am getting on the bus for that first day of school. And there is little Suzie Anderson - the girl who beat me up in second grade. And now I hear my son beside me saying "Dad, don't go near the light". And there is Pryor bumping Brown out of bounds.
I didn't expect us to make much ground out of the gate. I figured JT would be conservative (shocker) and play field position with UM's anemic offense. A turnover was not part of the equation. But neither was their offense being THAT anemic.
But it wasn't over yet. After netting -2 yards on their first 6 drives there was UM on an inexplicable 14 play TD drive that included two 4th down conversions and a bad spot first down. Featured was a fourth and goal from the one that at the time was potentially the biggest play of this season. A play that did not go our way and sent UM into the locker room believing things about themselves that simply weren't true.
If you are looking for trends that can change football games look for stretches where one team's D is on the field too long. Don't look at TOP - count plays.
From 8:43 of the second quarter to 11:43 of the third UM ran 27 plays to OSU's 4. I told my son that we needed to start the second half with a 3 and out. Sure enough - Michigan had two three and outs on that one drive. In a game where UM totaled 198 yards 186 came in the 5 drives that started at that 8:43 mark. So there was my HS guidance counselor telling me about all the great opportunities in food services and my drill instructor.....
But wait. At that very moment I looked at my watch and noticed that it was 2:05 ... and .... and.... Michigan still sucked!
And before I knew it the score was 42-7 with 13 minutes left in the game. Thirteen minutes on a clock that hung over Michigan like the blade of a guillotine.
And I had a smile that reached from ear to ear. A smile that reached to my son next to me. And from my son to the person next to him and to the next person and all the way around the stadium like one of those waves. And nobody left because we knew that we were in for the fourth quarter of our dreams. Whether we scored again or not we were going to relax and laugh and taunt and sing about how little we cared for the entire state of Michigan (less East Lansing at the time of course). And we would watch for exiting UM fans (fewest ever at The Game in my experience) so we could wish them merrily on their way (oh I am an obnoxious old man).
And we wondered why so many stayed as long as they did before we remembered - this was their bowl game. This was their winter break from the frigid doldrums of Ann Arbor and Detroit. Their trip South to warmth and sunshine. A gift from Rich Rodriquez and his staff.
As Dr Phil would say - "How?s that working for ya vulvarines"?
B. THIS GAME WAS OVER WHEN...
The Michigan team bus passed exit 187 on I-75.
For anyone coming south, that is the first exit you reach once you get past Toledo.
C. KUDOS TO KROGER.
They no longer sell just whole cakes. You can also buy a container that has only two large slices of layer cake for a reasonable price.
With these new single servings I may be able to make my diet work this time.
D. CROWD
I have to admit my initial disappointment. It wasn't till it warmed up enough to take off my ear muffs that they really got loud. But then it stayed that way.
42-7 in the fourth quarter with UM on their own one yard line. Any other game and the stands are empty. But Saturday not only had everyone stayed - it was as loud as it had been all day. Before UM's first snap I took a quick glimpse to my left - down towards the section I had occupied 40 years earlier when Woody had gone for two to achieve a 36 point winning margin. Now we were a two point safety away from bettering that record.
But it was not to be. Where Woody chose to rub it in JT choose to hand it to RBs who held places lower and lower on the depth chart. Fourth team - fifth team - sixth team RB.
But isn't that what made this the greatest UM drubbing ever? We were putting our Seniors in the game in the third quarter. JT had one foot on the break for the last 13 plus minutes.
It was glorious.
E. THANK YOU SYRACUSE
I told my wife that Saturday was about football. Like most I had three games on my agenda: OSU-Michigan, MSU-PSU and Texas Tech-Oklahoma.
Those three games were decided by 110 points.
If it weren't for Syracuse I would have napped all day.
Well, thank you too Charlie.
F. QUARTERBACK CONTROV ERSEY
I'm not second guessing. None of us will regret the reps Pryor got this year when USC comes to town next September. And I fully realize that Todd would have found himself on his ass more than once before we got to the fourth quarter. And that - had he thrown such an ill advised ball (most of his picks were long balls if you recall) - he would never have made the tackle on Brown.
But you have to admit that with only three pass attempts (he finished two completions short of what Pryor had all day) Boeckman put on a mini-clinic of timing and accuracy. And that is his strength. After 14 years with the team he knows where every receiver will be at any moment and can hit the open man in stride. (Well, most of the time.)
Thanks Todd. For all you did on the field and for the absolute class you showed in handling a situation that for me would have been simply intolerable.
G. A NOTE TO UM FANS
Someday UM will beat OSU. It may not come in my lifetime. Or you may find yourself in a BCS bowl next season. (We may also experience a nationwide epidemic of cell phone etiquette). But someday it will happen.
And when it does the blue and piss clothing will come out of Columbus' closets once again (the same clothing that was starting to reappear in September, only to slowly find its way back into mothballs). When it happens gleeful vulvarines will thump their chests and try to get up in our faces.
They will act like that one counts double - maybe triple. To them it will feel like it. But it won't.
It will just represent the long overdue end to a 5 or more game losing streak.
You are horrid. Last year you were subpar. This year you are horrid. There is no excuse for being this horrid. Thompson and Stewart understand the problem. That is why there were up in their coaches' faces on national TV. Gotta love that.
And for those who really believe it is not the coaches' fault riddle me this. How many well coached teams can you name who got progressively worse as the season progressed? Not just 3-9, but 2-2 and 1-7. Four scoreless second halves. A season finish that included a come from ahead loss to mighty Northwestern and a record setting 5th straight loss to your arch rival that was one point shy of your teams worst loss ever to said rival.
I know, I know - you have three "arch rivals". But you lost to 'em all. And by at least two touchdowns each.
Once you accept 3-9 as your baseline you have fallen into the same trap as ND. Four years from now you will be looking at marginal improvement and hailing it as progress.
You are Michigan!
Or you used to be...
H. SPORTS FANS ARE ARSE HOLES
And I love 'em all.
If you are obese, ugly, have three arms or a small penis make your way over to the ND boards. That miserable lot is wonderful for the self esteem.
But what I love most of all is every blessed one of them was singing the unqualified praises of Pear Bryant just two seasons ago. Now they can't be rid of him quickly enough.
The anti-CW arguments from non-Domers have been flowing since he landed the job. But each of those arguments was soundly refuted with indisputable logic by students and alumni of the finest educational institution on the planet. Fans who told us to just wait - we would see. Well, we waited. We see.
Their problem is they were so wrong about him four years ago that their credibility is zero. Why should it matter what they think of him now?
And sweeter still - they are being made fun of on the UM boards by fans who don't realize they are identical clones. Fans who don't have the imagination to see themselves where ND was just a few short years ago.
We are all just lucky Tressel doesn't jerk us around more than he does.
I. HOW COLD WAS IT?
I have great seats on the end the row near a portal. I can run to the john at the end of the third quarter and be back without missing a play.
But do you remember the episode of Seinfeld where the girl walked in on George after he had been in the pool?
I think I peed down the front of my pants.
J. SENIOR DAY PERSPECTIVE
I saw as many seniors recognized Saturday as at any game I can recall. As they were introduced I was struck by the number of kids who had limited or no impact on the field. There was sure fire All American Jamo and Mo Wells - best RB prospect Bill Conley had ever seen - both perhaps victims of recruiting analysts and our own inflated expectations. And there were the four OL from the class of 2004 - the kids who were projected to do for the team what we now expect from Adams, Brewster and Shugarts. Two in street clothes, a third a career backup. And on and on.
Each - so far as it is reasonable to believe - wanted to be a star and worked as hard as those who were. As they received their polite applause I thought about how they differed from those who followed in recognition and the potential for 7 figure signing bonuses. But not in the degree to which they were Buckeyes. Be they walk-ons, scout team stars, special teams grunts, needed relief off the bench or victims of perpetual injury - they were each part of this team with a story to tell that none of us may ever know.
And if the message wasn't strong enough there at the end of the line was Tyson Gentry screaming for perspective.
And on the sideline Dan Potokar struggling to reach a senior day of his own.
K. PLAY OF THE GAME
Off the top of my head nothing really stood out.
L. TRIVIA QUESTION NUMBER ONE
q: What is the fewest points OSU has scored at home against Michigan in the past six years?
a: 37
But that is only because their defense is so good.
M. TRIVIA QUESTION NUMBER TWO
q: What is the longest TD run Beanie had in any of his three games (he's gone folks - we all know it) against Michigan?
a: 62 yards in 2007.
It was 59 yesterday and only 52 as a Frosh in 2006.
If I wasn't there in person I would have thought I was watching one of those historic highlight tapes.
N. BOOM
We are going to be just fine.
O. STATS OF THE GAME
1. 5.8% third down conversion rate for Michigan..
(I refuse to track fourth down conversions.)
2. Michigan scored on a 14 play drive. Not counting our second TD OSU's other five TD drives took a total of 13 plays.
3. Chris Wells averaged 8.9 yards per carry. Of his 15 carries 10 were for 4 yards or less.
P. BAD PUNS
One reason I wanted to come back for at least one more Observations post is that I had spent the entire first half of the season setting up the worst pun in the history of message boards. So I am here to follow through.
As you may recall, I had bypassed the Nacho Bitch and was hooking up with a series of young nacho babes all of whom provided easy gratification after which I was asked to cut a notch in a stick provided by the first in the series of these young ladies.
With that in mind, I now present ....
Q. THE NOTCH HO REPORT
After making the first Big Mac in central Ohio and later winning a $1 bet by eating a Big Mac in one bite I felt like the High School football star who wasn't quite good enough to make it at the next level. I had reached my peak and life from thereon out would be a steady decline into oblivion. What could there possibly be to look forward to?
That is why everybody needs a bucket list. Clearly stating your goals helps you focus on what you want to accomplish and. dramatically increases your chances of doing so.
So for some time I have been focused on my #1 - naming a new sexual position.
There are so many great ones: Dirty Sanchez, the Shocker, Charlie and the Chocolate Bar.
Some of our own posters have already had the distinction of naming their own. There is Tibor and the "Flowering Goat". Thump and the "Righteous Rump". Mili and the "If I ever get my hands on that Newbie".
So this week when I hooked up with two more nacho babes I was thrilled that they were willing to help me out.
It is really pretty simple. A lady lies on either side and provides - uh - manual stimulation.
I call it the Pulled Pork Sammich. (Stay away from the vinegar based sauces.)
Keep me in mind next time you stop by City Barbecue.
R. HAVE WE SEEN THE LAST HOME MICHIGAN WEEK?
If you check the schedule for 2010 you will see that The Game will be played on 27 November. That isn't Michigan Week. That is Thanksgiving Week.
Say what you will - but you're kidding yourself. Your wife and mother will make sure of it.
The Game will always be The Game, but the week leading up to it has changed. (If there are any doubts take a drive up to Mirror Lake on Thanksgiving Day two years from now.)
S. PARTING QUESTION
And finally I leave you with this to ponder.....
Is it wrong to guzzle nacho cheese?
I stated earlier this week that although one should never take The Game lightly I simply couldn't imagine the scenario whereby UM would win this game.
So there we were. Struggling early with our running game and I see Pryor throw a pick six ... And there are my parents singing happy birthday when I am one. And now I am getting on the bus for that first day of school. And there is little Suzie Anderson - the girl who beat me up in second grade. And now I hear my son beside me saying "Dad, don't go near the light". And there is Pryor bumping Brown out of bounds.
I didn't expect us to make much ground out of the gate. I figured JT would be conservative (shocker) and play field position with UM's anemic offense. A turnover was not part of the equation. But neither was their offense being THAT anemic.
But it wasn't over yet. After netting -2 yards on their first 6 drives there was UM on an inexplicable 14 play TD drive that included two 4th down conversions and a bad spot first down. Featured was a fourth and goal from the one that at the time was potentially the biggest play of this season. A play that did not go our way and sent UM into the locker room believing things about themselves that simply weren't true.
If you are looking for trends that can change football games look for stretches where one team's D is on the field too long. Don't look at TOP - count plays.
From 8:43 of the second quarter to 11:43 of the third UM ran 27 plays to OSU's 4. I told my son that we needed to start the second half with a 3 and out. Sure enough - Michigan had two three and outs on that one drive. In a game where UM totaled 198 yards 186 came in the 5 drives that started at that 8:43 mark. So there was my HS guidance counselor telling me about all the great opportunities in food services and my drill instructor.....
But wait. At that very moment I looked at my watch and noticed that it was 2:05 ... and .... and.... Michigan still sucked!
And before I knew it the score was 42-7 with 13 minutes left in the game. Thirteen minutes on a clock that hung over Michigan like the blade of a guillotine.
And I had a smile that reached from ear to ear. A smile that reached to my son next to me. And from my son to the person next to him and to the next person and all the way around the stadium like one of those waves. And nobody left because we knew that we were in for the fourth quarter of our dreams. Whether we scored again or not we were going to relax and laugh and taunt and sing about how little we cared for the entire state of Michigan (less East Lansing at the time of course). And we would watch for exiting UM fans (fewest ever at The Game in my experience) so we could wish them merrily on their way (oh I am an obnoxious old man).
And we wondered why so many stayed as long as they did before we remembered - this was their bowl game. This was their winter break from the frigid doldrums of Ann Arbor and Detroit. Their trip South to warmth and sunshine. A gift from Rich Rodriquez and his staff.
As Dr Phil would say - "How?s that working for ya vulvarines"?
B. THIS GAME WAS OVER WHEN...
The Michigan team bus passed exit 187 on I-75.
For anyone coming south, that is the first exit you reach once you get past Toledo.
C. KUDOS TO KROGER.
They no longer sell just whole cakes. You can also buy a container that has only two large slices of layer cake for a reasonable price.
With these new single servings I may be able to make my diet work this time.
D. CROWD
I have to admit my initial disappointment. It wasn't till it warmed up enough to take off my ear muffs that they really got loud. But then it stayed that way.
42-7 in the fourth quarter with UM on their own one yard line. Any other game and the stands are empty. But Saturday not only had everyone stayed - it was as loud as it had been all day. Before UM's first snap I took a quick glimpse to my left - down towards the section I had occupied 40 years earlier when Woody had gone for two to achieve a 36 point winning margin. Now we were a two point safety away from bettering that record.
But it was not to be. Where Woody chose to rub it in JT choose to hand it to RBs who held places lower and lower on the depth chart. Fourth team - fifth team - sixth team RB.
But isn't that what made this the greatest UM drubbing ever? We were putting our Seniors in the game in the third quarter. JT had one foot on the break for the last 13 plus minutes.
It was glorious.
E. THANK YOU SYRACUSE
I told my wife that Saturday was about football. Like most I had three games on my agenda: OSU-Michigan, MSU-PSU and Texas Tech-Oklahoma.
Those three games were decided by 110 points.
If it weren't for Syracuse I would have napped all day.
Well, thank you too Charlie.
F. QUARTERBACK CONTROV ERSEY
I'm not second guessing. None of us will regret the reps Pryor got this year when USC comes to town next September. And I fully realize that Todd would have found himself on his ass more than once before we got to the fourth quarter. And that - had he thrown such an ill advised ball (most of his picks were long balls if you recall) - he would never have made the tackle on Brown.
But you have to admit that with only three pass attempts (he finished two completions short of what Pryor had all day) Boeckman put on a mini-clinic of timing and accuracy. And that is his strength. After 14 years with the team he knows where every receiver will be at any moment and can hit the open man in stride. (Well, most of the time.)
Thanks Todd. For all you did on the field and for the absolute class you showed in handling a situation that for me would have been simply intolerable.
G. A NOTE TO UM FANS
Someday UM will beat OSU. It may not come in my lifetime. Or you may find yourself in a BCS bowl next season. (We may also experience a nationwide epidemic of cell phone etiquette). But someday it will happen.
And when it does the blue and piss clothing will come out of Columbus' closets once again (the same clothing that was starting to reappear in September, only to slowly find its way back into mothballs). When it happens gleeful vulvarines will thump their chests and try to get up in our faces.
They will act like that one counts double - maybe triple. To them it will feel like it. But it won't.
It will just represent the long overdue end to a 5 or more game losing streak.
You are horrid. Last year you were subpar. This year you are horrid. There is no excuse for being this horrid. Thompson and Stewart understand the problem. That is why there were up in their coaches' faces on national TV. Gotta love that.
And for those who really believe it is not the coaches' fault riddle me this. How many well coached teams can you name who got progressively worse as the season progressed? Not just 3-9, but 2-2 and 1-7. Four scoreless second halves. A season finish that included a come from ahead loss to mighty Northwestern and a record setting 5th straight loss to your arch rival that was one point shy of your teams worst loss ever to said rival.
I know, I know - you have three "arch rivals". But you lost to 'em all. And by at least two touchdowns each.
Once you accept 3-9 as your baseline you have fallen into the same trap as ND. Four years from now you will be looking at marginal improvement and hailing it as progress.
You are Michigan!
Or you used to be...
H. SPORTS FANS ARE ARSE HOLES
And I love 'em all.
If you are obese, ugly, have three arms or a small penis make your way over to the ND boards. That miserable lot is wonderful for the self esteem.
But what I love most of all is every blessed one of them was singing the unqualified praises of Pear Bryant just two seasons ago. Now they can't be rid of him quickly enough.
The anti-CW arguments from non-Domers have been flowing since he landed the job. But each of those arguments was soundly refuted with indisputable logic by students and alumni of the finest educational institution on the planet. Fans who told us to just wait - we would see. Well, we waited. We see.
Their problem is they were so wrong about him four years ago that their credibility is zero. Why should it matter what they think of him now?
And sweeter still - they are being made fun of on the UM boards by fans who don't realize they are identical clones. Fans who don't have the imagination to see themselves where ND was just a few short years ago.
We are all just lucky Tressel doesn't jerk us around more than he does.
I. HOW COLD WAS IT?
I have great seats on the end the row near a portal. I can run to the john at the end of the third quarter and be back without missing a play.
But do you remember the episode of Seinfeld where the girl walked in on George after he had been in the pool?
I think I peed down the front of my pants.
J. SENIOR DAY PERSPECTIVE
I saw as many seniors recognized Saturday as at any game I can recall. As they were introduced I was struck by the number of kids who had limited or no impact on the field. There was sure fire All American Jamo and Mo Wells - best RB prospect Bill Conley had ever seen - both perhaps victims of recruiting analysts and our own inflated expectations. And there were the four OL from the class of 2004 - the kids who were projected to do for the team what we now expect from Adams, Brewster and Shugarts. Two in street clothes, a third a career backup. And on and on.
Each - so far as it is reasonable to believe - wanted to be a star and worked as hard as those who were. As they received their polite applause I thought about how they differed from those who followed in recognition and the potential for 7 figure signing bonuses. But not in the degree to which they were Buckeyes. Be they walk-ons, scout team stars, special teams grunts, needed relief off the bench or victims of perpetual injury - they were each part of this team with a story to tell that none of us may ever know.
And if the message wasn't strong enough there at the end of the line was Tyson Gentry screaming for perspective.
And on the sideline Dan Potokar struggling to reach a senior day of his own.
K. PLAY OF THE GAME
Off the top of my head nothing really stood out.
L. TRIVIA QUESTION NUMBER ONE
q: What is the fewest points OSU has scored at home against Michigan in the past six years?
a: 37
But that is only because their defense is so good.
M. TRIVIA QUESTION NUMBER TWO
q: What is the longest TD run Beanie had in any of his three games (he's gone folks - we all know it) against Michigan?
a: 62 yards in 2007.
It was 59 yesterday and only 52 as a Frosh in 2006.
If I wasn't there in person I would have thought I was watching one of those historic highlight tapes.
N. BOOM
We are going to be just fine.
O. STATS OF THE GAME
1. 5.8% third down conversion rate for Michigan..
(I refuse to track fourth down conversions.)
2. Michigan scored on a 14 play drive. Not counting our second TD OSU's other five TD drives took a total of 13 plays.
3. Chris Wells averaged 8.9 yards per carry. Of his 15 carries 10 were for 4 yards or less.
P. BAD PUNS
One reason I wanted to come back for at least one more Observations post is that I had spent the entire first half of the season setting up the worst pun in the history of message boards. So I am here to follow through.
As you may recall, I had bypassed the Nacho Bitch and was hooking up with a series of young nacho babes all of whom provided easy gratification after which I was asked to cut a notch in a stick provided by the first in the series of these young ladies.
With that in mind, I now present ....
Q. THE NOTCH HO REPORT
After making the first Big Mac in central Ohio and later winning a $1 bet by eating a Big Mac in one bite I felt like the High School football star who wasn't quite good enough to make it at the next level. I had reached my peak and life from thereon out would be a steady decline into oblivion. What could there possibly be to look forward to?
That is why everybody needs a bucket list. Clearly stating your goals helps you focus on what you want to accomplish and. dramatically increases your chances of doing so.
So for some time I have been focused on my #1 - naming a new sexual position.
There are so many great ones: Dirty Sanchez, the Shocker, Charlie and the Chocolate Bar.
Some of our own posters have already had the distinction of naming their own. There is Tibor and the "Flowering Goat". Thump and the "Righteous Rump". Mili and the "If I ever get my hands on that Newbie".
So this week when I hooked up with two more nacho babes I was thrilled that they were willing to help me out.
It is really pretty simple. A lady lies on either side and provides - uh - manual stimulation.
I call it the Pulled Pork Sammich. (Stay away from the vinegar based sauces.)
Keep me in mind next time you stop by City Barbecue.
R. HAVE WE SEEN THE LAST HOME MICHIGAN WEEK?
If you check the schedule for 2010 you will see that The Game will be played on 27 November. That isn't Michigan Week. That is Thanksgiving Week.
Say what you will - but you're kidding yourself. Your wife and mother will make sure of it.
The Game will always be The Game, but the week leading up to it has changed. (If there are any doubts take a drive up to Mirror Lake on Thanksgiving Day two years from now.)
S. PARTING QUESTION
And finally I leave you with this to ponder.....
Is it wrong to guzzle nacho cheese?
Last edited:
