Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is.
Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"
Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig Krenzel over and asks him, "Craig, who's your father's brother's nephew? Krenzel answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback!"
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over John Navarre.
"Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says,"Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay.
During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry. "Hey, Chris, Coach just asked me the weirdest question: "Who's your father's brother's nephew?"
Perry answers, "Duh! That's pretty simple! It's me!"
After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Chris Perry!" Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Craig Krenzel!!!
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On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man, wearing a maize and blue Michigan jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing scarlet and gray Ohio State jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark`s side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious, Wolverine from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Wolverines and Buckeyes, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true".
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said "he may have access to God`s wisdom but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one"?
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Bubba and Billy Ray were traveling north through Ohio on their way back to their home in Michigan. On their way, they notcied a shop sign in a small town which caused them to stop their pickup and take a look. The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Michgan, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking."
They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ........"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Michigan, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."
Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"
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An Ohio State student and a Michigan student are walking down the road when the Ohio State student says, "How sad...A dead bird."
The Michigan student looks up and says, "Where, where?"
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In the mid-seventies, the Buckeyes and Wolverines were both undefeated and playing for the Big Ten Championship, the Rose Bowl and a possible National Championship.
The Buckeyes are up by 4 points with 3 seconds left. Michigan has a 4th and goal at the Buckeye 1 yard line. Bo Schembechler looks up to the skies and says "God, what should I call now?".
To his surprise, in a clear distinct voice, he hears "Off Tackle". So, Bo calls the "Off Tackle", and all eleven Buckeyes meet him in the backfield, and bury him and the Buckeyes win.
Bo, again, looks up to the sky and says "God, why did you tell me to run "Off Tackle.
Again, in a clear voice he hears, "I don't know, why did we Woody?"
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Ann Arbor News Report:
Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
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Little Johnny's 3rd grade class was having a lesson on careers and were discussing the various professions out there. The teacher asks the kids what their dads do for a living. One little girl raises her hand and says "My daddy is a doctor, he helps sick people get well."
A little boy raises his hand and says "My daddy is a dentist and he fixes people's teeth."
Another little girl raises her hand and says "My daddy is the district attorney and he puts bad people in jail."
The teacher notices that little Johnny is awfully quiet, so she asks him what his daddy does. Little Johnny announces that "My daddy works as a strip tease dancer in a gay nudie bar and he..." Shocked and not wanting that discussion to go any further, the teacher interrupts little Johnny and moves on with the lesson.
During recess, the teacher comes up to little Johnny and asks "Does your daddy really work as a strip tease dancer in a gay nudie bar??" Little Johnny replies, "No, actually he coaches football at Michigan but I was too ashamed to tell anyone."
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One morning this Michigan graduate calls her friend (who didn't happen to go to Michigan) and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The Michigan grad says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The Michigan grad's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Three Ohio State fans and three Michigan fans are travelling by train to a game.* At the station, the three Michigan fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Ohio State fans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Michigan fans. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Buckeye.
They all board the train. The Michigan fans take their respective seats but all three Ohio State fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Michigan fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Michigan fans decide to copy the Buckeyes on the return trip and save some money (being clever and all that).
When the Michigan fans get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ohio State fans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Michigan fan. "Watch and you'll see."* When they board the train, the three Michigan fans cram into a restroom and the three Buckeyes cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Buckeyes leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Michigan fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small, lovely land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ohio," God replied, "the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come in contact with them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiny-ass, arrogant pissants I've put next to them in Michigan!"
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A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
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Relationships...
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could have some more privacy. We went to a quiet little restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.
I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!* I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Buckeyes lost. Got lucky though.
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General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."
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University of Michigan ENTRANCE EXAM-FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify for admission.
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An old farmer wants his son to go to Michigan State, but the son's IQ is too high. Since the farmer really wants his son to be an Spartan he takes him to the MSU Vet School and asks to use an IQ-reducing machine. Although the machine is experimental and not meant for humans, they decide the risk acceptable. They strap the son into the machine and turn it on. His IQ starts dropping. 130...110...100...90...80...70...60... When the scientist flips the OFF switch, nothing happens. The son's IQ keeps dropping. 40...30...10..0!!!!. The scientist finally pulls the plug and stops the machine. The farmer runs to his son and shakes him awake, "Son, say something!" Dazed, the son looks him right in the eye and says, "Go Blue!"
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In a road-side restroom three men were standing side-by-side using the urinals.
The 1st man finished, zipped up and started washing. He literally scrubbed his hands clear up to his elbows and used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and we were taught to be clean."
The 2nd man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Penn State and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The 3rd man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Ohio State University... and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
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One day in the Michigan part of hell, it suddenly turned cold and icy. "What happened?" asked one UM alum. Another alum thought for a moment, then said, "We must have won the national championship"
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Overheard in AnnArbor; "Will the woman who left her eleven children at Michigan stadium please comepick them up - They're beating the Wolverines 22 -0.
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UM is playing at OSU, and they have a first down with three minutes left in the half. An OSU fan sets off a firecracker, and OSU, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Three plays later, UM punts.
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Did you hear that Charles Woodson is expected to miss Saturday's game? He heard that he may be a first round draft pick so he fled to Canada.
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A Michigan football player was nearly killed in a horrible horseback riding accident. He was thrown off the horse and almost got trampled. Thank god the K-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
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The Statue
A Buckeye fan walks into a curio shop in German Village. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one thousand dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Olentangy River and threw thebronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the river after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze wolverine."
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
Two University of Michigan football players were down on campus partying. Theywere hootin' and hollerin' when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months. "Two months!?" exclaimed the bartender. The Wolverine replied, "Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years."
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I've just received word that there is a new addition to the Endangered species list: Michigan Alumni
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A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a Michigan graduate and an honest man." The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"
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Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are flying in a plane and it crashes. Tragically, Jim Tressel dies, oh and, so does Lloyd Carr. They both get to the pearly gates and St. Peter says "Come on in guys. I'll have some angels show you to your new places."
Jim and Lloyd both go their separate ways and the angel taking Lloyd to his new place shows it to him. Fuming, Lloyd starts yelling, "What's with this? I get this little run-down leaky shack with broken windows and the paint peeling off the walls and Jim gets the huge mansion with golden gates and OSU flags waving everywhere! I demand a place just like his!" The angel, trying to calm Lloyd down says "Oh, that's not Jim's place. It's God's."
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Jim and Lloyd are walking down the beach talking about the new rivalry starting with Jim taking over as coach. As they're walking, Lloyd trips over something and almost breaks his leg. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp.
"Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd, both say that they did it. "You will each get one wish." said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first.
"I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid miscreants from Ohio will ever get a chance to get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high, and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace."
The genie grants the wish to him and he is instantly whisked away to his new paradise.
Jim says "Now fill it up with water."
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Two brothers, one a Michigan graduate and one an Ohio State graduate, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.* In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The Ohio State graduate balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.* Upon leaving, he tells his brother, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The Ohio State grad arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides he does want to buy it. The man tells him that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, he drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to tell him the news.
He walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help him, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the Ohio State grad only has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his brother one word.* After thinking for a few minutes, he nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable'?"
The Ohio State grad explains, "My brother graduated from Michigan."
"He'll read it very slow."
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A Michigan football player reported for his university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.*
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of inspiration reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. He starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.*
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.*
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers. n
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Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk.*
Out of respect and propriety, the Ohio State fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Penn State fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Michigan fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.*
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Ohio State cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Penn State cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Michigan cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.*
The Michigan fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"*
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Michigan hat, I find an asshole!"
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A Michigan Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my ass?”
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Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat, beside him.
Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in,when the Wolverine in the window seat, said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Buckeye, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and spit in it.
When the Buckeye returned with the coke, the other Wolverine said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Buckeye asked. "This enmity between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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How many Big 10 students does it take to change a lightbulb?* Well ...
At Ohio State it takes only two. One to change it, and one to throw the old bulb at Michigan students.
At Michigan it takes five. One to change the bulb, two to talk about how Bo would have done it, and two more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer.
At Northwestern it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Ohio State to get instructions.
At Michigan State it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.
At Wisconsin it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At Illinois it takes seven, and each one gets four semester credit hours for it.
At Indiana it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.
At Minnesota it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, and eight to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors.
At Penn Sate it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Penn, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.
At Purdue, it takes 12. One to change the bulb, five to take pictures, four fraternity pledges to get naked and run through the fountain screaming "They changed the Bulb!", and two engineers to run a study on the whole thing.
At Iowa it takes none. There's no electricity in Iowa
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Three Ohio State fans and three Michigan fans are travelling by train to a game.* At the station, the three Michigan fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Ohio State fans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Michigan fans. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Buckeye.
They all board the train. The Michigan fans take their respective seats but all three Ohio State fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Michigan fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Michigan fans decide to copy the Buckeyes on the return trip and save some money (being clever and all that).
When the Michigan fans get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ohio State fans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Michigan fan. "Watch and you'll see."* When they board the train, the three Michigan fans cram into a restroom and the three Buckeyes cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Buckeyes leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Michigan fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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YOU CAN TELL HE A UM GRAD BECAUSE...
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- he thought a quarterback was a refund
- he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics"
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. he put "Sagittarius"
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test - and failed
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" he turned around and went home.
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A Columbus area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan fight song come out the guys butt. Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor.
"Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."
Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."
The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Michigan fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said:
"What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song."
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An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.* He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that money was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.
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Help Wanted:
Live, work and study in lovely Ann Arbor, Mich. Earn free tuition, room and board and complete and utter seclusion from the media.*
Only job requirement: must be able to kick a ball through two uprights.* No references necessary
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Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day.* Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.*
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.*
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming "This is for Northwestern!"**
Seeing this the Buckeye walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something.** I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan alumni.
The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan alumni.
The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan alumni.
Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "NAH, not if I'm gonna have to explain it THREE times."
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Michigan basketball fans believe a fast break is what the players do after leaving the local 7-11 without paying.
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Michigan takes pride that nearly 67 percent of its former players have been granted parole before the end of their sentences.
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Gary Moeller was in front of a judge.* The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.” Moeller says, "Okay, let's get started.”
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A die-hard Michigan fan and a die-hard Ohio State fan are waiting to be executed.* The executioner asks the wolverine fan for his last request. “Hmmm”, he says, then requests to hear the wolverine fight song one last time.* "OK," says the executioner and turns to the Buckeye fan and asks the same question, "What is your last request?"* Without hesitation the Buckeye fan says, "Shoot me first."
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Two boys are playing football in a park in Columbus when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler.* Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.*
A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Buckeyes' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I not a Buckeyes' fan" the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were. What team do you root for?" asked the reporter.*
"I'm a Michigan Wolverines' fan," the child replied.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"LITTLE REDNECK BASTARD KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET"
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A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?"
The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
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A guy dies and goes to heaven. There he is met by St. Pete. St. Pete welcomes him to heaven and shows him around. The guy is amazed at what is in heaven.
The last place St. Pete takes the guy is to this football game. It is in a horseshoe shaped stadium. As they are watching the game the man notices a tubby man with a white shirt, black tie, and black hat running up and down the sideline ranting and raving.
The man looks at St. Pete and asks, "Who is that madman?"
St. Pete answers, "Oh, that's God. But he thinks he's Woody Hayes."
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A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end.
After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrassed. "How can we get him out of here?", they asked.
Finally, one professor came up with an idea. "Let's put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, we'll give him a diploma."
So they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: "What is one plus one?"
He received his question and he thought...and thought...and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted "Two!!". "AWWWWWW", cried the student body. "Give him another chance!"
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Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."
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University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."
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Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a corvette and a Michigan cheerleader?
A: Not everyone has been in a corvette!
Q: What's the difference between the Titanic and a Michigan cheerleader?
A: Only 1400 people went down on the Titanic!
Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: What is the difference between Michigan and Frosted Flakes?
A: Frosted Flakes know what to do in a Bowl.
Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog on the freeway and a dead Michigan fan on the freeway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why doesn't Michigan sink into the great lakes?
A: Because shit floats.
Q: What's the difference between the Michigan Wolverines and the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game.
Q: What do the Wolverines and Billy Grahem have in common?
A: They both can make 100,000 peope stand up and yell, "Jesus Christ!"
Q: How do you keep a Michigan Wolverine out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: What do you call a Michigan Wolverine with a National Championship ring?
A: A thief.
Q: Why was Coach Carr upset when the Michigan playbook was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it yet.
Q: What is the difference between the Michigan Wolverines and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: What do the Michigan Wolverines and a tampon have in common?
A: Both are good for only one period and there is no second string.
Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: There are some things even pigs won't do.
Q: Why do the University of Michigan grads hang their diplomas from the rearview mirror?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Michigan?
A: It's too hard on the mule.
Q: What do you call a 200 lb. Michigan cheerleader?
A: Anorexic
Q: How many Michigan freshman does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course
Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.
Q: Why hasn't Ohio fallen into Kentucky?
A: Because Michigan SUCKS.
Q: What is blue and yellow and has two teeth?
A: The front row at Michigan stadium.
Q: What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A: A product of Ohio.
Q: What's the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 50 pounds.
Q: How do you make up the difference?
A: Force feed the elephant.
Q: What is a Michigan football player's favorite pick-up line?
A: Didn't we almost flunk out together?
Q: What is every Michigan football player assigned upon arriving at Ann Arbor?
A: A personal bail bondsman?
Q: How many Michigan players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he gets three credits for it.
Q: What is the definition of a wolverine?
A: A rat with VD.
Q: What is the difference between a Michigan fan and a bucket of s#!%?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is long and hard on a Michigan fan?
A: First Grade.
Q: What's the difference between Michigan stadium and a porcupine?
A: Michigan stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside.
Q: Why did the Michigan Wolverine stop having phone sex?
A: Because the little holes hurt too much.
Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?
A: Go north until you smell shit, then west until you step in it.
Q: If 3 Michigan players are in a car, then who is driving?
A: A police officer.
Q: How do you keep a Michigan player from drowning?
A: Take your foot of of their head.
Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
A: The freeway sign that says "Columbus, 192 miles".
Q: What does the average UM student get on his SAT?
A: Drool
Q: How do you starve a Michigan Football Player?
A: Hide his food stamps in his math book.
Q: Why do Michigan Football Players lean to the inside while driving?
A: They think that smell is coming from the outside.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did U of M replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q: Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan campus at Christmas?
A: Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q:* An OSU fan and a Michigan fan are in the third grade. Who's bigger?
A:* The Michigan fan... he's 18 years old.
Q:* How do you get all of the Michigan grads out of your neighborhood?
A:* Hide all of the cardboard boxes.
Q:* What do you say to a Michigan player in a 3 piece suit?*
A:* Will the defendant please rise?
Q:* How do you keep a Michigan player out of the endzone?
A:* Put a classroom there.
Q:* What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A:* A visitor
Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
A: Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
Q:* Why do women in Michigan wear high heels?
A:* To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
Q:* What does a tornado and a Michigan Grad have in common?
A:* They both end up in trailer parks.
Q:* What words do you most often hear from a career minded U of M graduate?
A:* Would you like fries with that?"
Q:* Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big ten?
A:* There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.
Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Q: Why don't University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.
