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Jokes about scUM

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AirForceBuck

AirForceBuck

No mercy
I was surfin thru sum sites, came across a sh*t load of UM jokes that put a grin on my face. Didnt know which forum to put them in, but here they are:

- Q: What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A: A product of Ohio.
- Q: What makes the sidewalks of Ann Arbor so dirty? A: They are covered in scUM!
- Q: What does a tornado and a Michigan Grad have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks
- Q: Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big ten?
A: There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.
- Q: What are the three hardest years in the life of a Michigan Wolverine fan? A: Second Grade.
- Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: There are some things even pigs won't do.
- Q: Why do the University of Michigan grads hang their diplomas from the rearview mirror?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
- Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Michigan? A: It's too hard on the mule.
- Q: How many Michigan freshman does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course
- Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.
- Q: Why hasn't Ohio fallen into Kentucky?
A: Because Michigan SUCKS.
- Q: What is blue and yellow and has two teeth?
A: The front row at Michigan stadium.
- Q: What is the difference between a dead dog on the freeway and a dead Michigan fan on the freeway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
- Q: What is the difference between Michigan and Frosted Flakes?
A: Frosted Flakes know what to do in a Bowl.
- Q: What is a Michigan football player's favorite pick-up line?
A: Didn't we almost flunk out together?
- Q: What is every Michigan football player assigned upon arriving at Ann Arbor?
A: A personal bail bondsman.
- Q: What is the definition of a wolverine?
A: A rat with VD.
- Q: What's the difference between Michigan stadium and a porcupine?
A: Michigan stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside.
- Q: How do you keep a UM player out of the endzone?
A: Put a classroom there
- Q: Why do all the trees in Ohio lean towards Michigan?
A: Michigan Sucks!

- A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan grad. The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

- Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus: 187 Miles

- Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

- Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
- Q: Why is it when UM players eat cereal, they only use plates?
A: If it was a bowl, they would lose it.

- General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make we win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."

- Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
- Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.
- Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.
- Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.
 
GREAT topic, BuckeyePride! Here's one...

Three fans were walking through a desert- a cornhusker fan, a wolverine fan, and a buckeye fan. They come upon a magic lamp, rub it, and a genie pops out. He says, "For letting me free, I will grant each of you one wish. Choose wisely."

The Nebraska fan goes first, and replies, "I wish for a great crop this year". Genie snaps his fingers, and he has an amazing corn crop that year.

The Scum fan goes next, and says, "I wish there was a 500 foot wall built around the state of michigan, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out. It'll keep those stupid Ohio State fans out of our state for good!" Genie snaps his fingers, and a 500 foot wall is built around the state.

The Buckeye fan goes last, and thinks for a second before answering. "Nothing can get in and nothing can get out?" The genie nods his head. "Alright! Fill it full of water."
 
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My favorite:

Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the
Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning
secret is.

Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that
your team is so good? What's your secret?"

Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig Krenzel over
and asks him, "Craig, who's your father's brother's nephew? Krenzel
answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Tressel turns to Carr and
says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback. You've got to
have a smart quarterback!"

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to
Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over John Navarre.

"Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says,"Coach, I'll have to get
back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay.

During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry. "Hey, Chris, Coach just
asked me the weirdest question: "Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Perry answers, "Duh! That's pretty simple! It's me!"

After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I
have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Chris
Perry!" Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, "No, No, No! You idiot!
It's Craig Krenzel!!!
 
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A group of four doctors goes golfing every Wednesday. Being doctors, they can do that. One day, though, one of the doctors moves away, and can't golf with the other four. They find a replacement: some young doctor from University of Michigan.

They go out golfing the next Wednesday, and the Michigan kid kicks their asses by at least 10 strokes, and he's not a gracious winner. He talks trash to the other guys and they quickly decide that they don't like him. But they want the last laugh, so they invite him out the next week.

Again, he kicks their asses, and is a very sore winner about it. He makes fun of the eye-doctor when he can't hit out of the sand, he laughs at the dentist for hitting into the water, etc.

They decide that they have to teach this young punk a lesson. The foot-doctor says that the punk has an appointment with him this weekend, and he can make up some kind of condition and prescribe him some uncomfortable shoes. If his feet are uncomfortable, he won't be able to golf well, and they'll finally win.

The next week, the Michigan kid is complaining about his shoes hurting him, but he still whoops them pretty badly. The dentist says that the Michigan kid has an appointment this weekend. He can perform some unnecessary dental surgery to put the kid in a lot of pain. If the kid is in too much pain, he won't be able to golf well.

The Michigan kid shows up again the next week, complaining about sore teeth. But, again, he kicks their asses. The eye-doctor has an idea.. the kid has an appointment with him this weekend. He can prescribe odd glasses so that he sees two golf balls: one big and one small. If he can't see the golf ball, he won't hit it well.

The next week, the Michigan kid shows up, not complaining of anything. After 9 holes, he's golfing better than the others had ever seen him golf. They don't understand it. He goes into the bathroom, as always, at the turn, and comes out with the front of his pants soaking - he pissed his pants.

They ask him what happened, and he says, "I looked down and saw two penises, so I put the big one away since I knew it wasn't mine."
 
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A OSU fan, PSU fan, and Michigan fan get captured by the Nazis during WWII. The Nazi general tells them that they are all to be given 20 lashes as their crimes against the Axis Army. However, for his own entertainment, the general will pit the three against eachother in a drinking contest before their torture.

The Michigan fan drinks 2 shots of rum and falls over drooling on himself. The PSU fan finishes 10 shots before he pukes on himself and pisses his pants. The OSU fan finishes his bottle and starts reaching for the Michigan fan's bottle when the general claims him the winner.

The Michigan fan is quickly tied to a post and given 20 lashes. Crying like a little school girl, he falls to his knees and crawls back to his prison cell.

Then the general says to the PSU fan, "for coming in second, I will grant you 1 wish before your whipping." The PSU fan asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. Then he is tied to a post with a pillow on his back and the guard administers the whipping. The pillow lasts 10 lashes, but then is shredded and the PSU fan crumbles in a slobbering pool of goo.

The general turns to the OSU fan and says, "You put on the single most impressive display of alcohol consumption that I have ever seen! As a reward, I will grant you two wishes before your 20 lashings."

The OSU fan thinks for a minute and says, "For my first wish, I would like to have 50 lashings instead of just 20."

Needless to say, the general is very impressed by this young man. "And what about your second wish?" asks the general.

"For my second wish, I want the Michigan fan strapped to my back."
 
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Nothing funnier than this:
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On a football Saturday, a Michigan fan and his cat go into a sports bar. They sit down at the bar, and shortly afterwards, TSUN scores a field goal. The cat immediately goes down the bar, high-fiving everybody.

On their next possession TSUN score a second field goal, and the cat does the same thing.

The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty good! What does he do when they score a touchdown?" The owner thinks a minute and replies, "Beats me. I've only had him for three years." :slappy::shrug:
 
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