I got a call from one of those college loan refinance programs on the way down to Indy for the B1G championship game. Mind you, the wife and one of the kids are in the car and they can only hear my end of the conversation. It went something like this:
Telemarketer: Hi, you've called us about reducing your student loan payments?
Me: Well, I didn't call you. You called me. So, I guess that's what it's about.
Telemarketer: OK, great. So, let's see if you qualify to have your debt reduced or eliminated. How much do you have in outstanding student loans?
Me: About $250,000.
Telemarketer: OK, great. Now I need to know a little about your income. Can you tell me how much you make?
Me: About $10,000.
Telemarketer: That's monthly? So, annually you make $120,000?
Me: No. That's an annual figure.
Telemarketer: Ooooooh. OK then. Can you tell me what you do for a living?
Me: I own a recycling business.
Telemarketer: Oh, so you only draw $10,000 annually from the company as salary?
Me: No. I pick cans out of the garbage and along side of the road and take them in for recycling. I get $0.15 per can in Michigan.
Telemarketer: Ooooh. Ok. Do you have any children? If you have children we often can have your bill reduced.
Me: Yes. I do. I have two. But, would it help if I had more than two?
Telemarketer: What do you mean?
Me: Well, you said that if I had kids my bill could be reduced. If I had more kids, would it further reduce my bill?
Telemarketer: Oh, yes. More kids would help.
Me: OK. I think that I could probably claim three or four other kids. I'd have to talk to their mothers though.
Telemarketer: Ok. I'll put you down for two kids.
Me: No, I'm pretty sure their mothers would let me claim them. I'll have to start paying child support though. Put me down for four kids. I'm pretty sure that at least four of them are mine... but don't tell anyone I said that. There hasn't been a paternity test done for two of them.
Telemarketer: So, tell me more about your monthly expenses. Do you own a home?
Me: I guess you could say so. I moved in when the last family moved out and there hasn't been a lot of people come through to look at the property since I took the for sale by owner sign down. So, I guess you could say that it's my place now.
Telemarketer: How much is your monthly mortgage payment?
Me: Zero.
Pause...
Telemarketer: OK, I'm going to transfer you to my supervisor. I think that he'll be able to help you further.
Supervisor: Good evening. I understand that you're interested in our student loan relief programs?
Me: No sir. I paid off my student loans within two years of leaving grad school and that was 25 years ago. I'd appreciate it you place me on your do not call list or the next time one of your robo-callers dial my number I'll tie up another one of your live telemarketers for half an hour again.
