buckeyeman06
Banned
SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS:
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- In order to expedite the sleeping-together part, eye contact would count as a first date.
- Foreplay would be discarded in favor of a new concept: Fourplay.
- A man could give up a lucrative job for a career in the rodeo without having to hold a "family meeting."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- Speaking solely in Clint Eastwood quotes would count as "opening up."
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Brassieres could be unclasped by gently blowing on them.
- You could never be turned down when asking a woman to dance, because there'd be no more fucking dancing.
- Answering machines would automatically edit out your lame jokes, coughing fits, and long, anguished pauses.
- When women climaxed, they'd make a noise like a pinball machine.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier - a smack on the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
WORK
- You'd be expected to fill out your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
- At any time, and for any reason, you'd be allowed to build a campfire in your office.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortune of the NFL player of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.
- Every memo would require, as a cover sheet, a photocopy of the author's ass.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- Ties would still be required, but they'd be made of beef jerky.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would sound and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
LEISURE
- Flipping the board over in Monopoly would make you the winner.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get beer biceps.
- Easy chairs would give hand jobs.
- All bars and clubs would have comfy "sleep it off" rooms.
- There'd be a spray, similar to the ones that keep pets away from furniture, that would keep your in-laws away from your house.
- Disney World would introduce MedievalTortureLand.
- Car horns would be loud enough to crumble stone walls.
TRADITIONS
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Dueling would make a big come back.
- First the cigar, then the dessert, and so on back through to the soup...salad only if you still had room.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. Instead of candy and cards, it would involve a loving exchange of lunch meats.
- Handshakes would be replaced by shoves.
- The National Anthem would be played before the premiere of any porno film.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
- But it would be celebrated every month.
ENTERTAINMENT
- Garrison Keillor would be the prey in a Wild Kingdom episode.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the criminals.
- Two words: Naked Housewives.
- Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed of the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- Today show host Katie Couric would be replaced by The Incredible Hulk.
- Oprah would become a pro wrestler with the moniker Eater of Worlds.
SPORTS
- The Super Bowl would feature teams composed of actual superheroes.
- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
- Michael would have to keep playing basketball long into his 80's, until his bones started snapping like breadsticks.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- All auto races would be demolition derbies.
LAWS
- You could murder, with impunity, any man who draws a distinction between heat and humidity.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned in the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards. Per year.
- It would be a class-A felony for a man to call himself a feminist.
- Death row gladiator championships.
- Antiquing would be a crime punishable by being flayed alive.
- No highway would have a speed limit, and every one would be shaped like an oval.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
EVERYTHING ELSE:
- Elevator "Close Door" buttons would be responsive to the point of injury.
- Male nurses would just be called doctors, no matter what their level of training.
- Faucets would run "hot," "cold," and "100 proof."
- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
- Sushi would be properly deep-fried.
- Instead of Muzak, elevators would play the sounds of slot-machine payoffs and machine-gun fire at Normandy.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- John Holmes, Nobel prize-winner.
- No guy would ever be laughed at for making screeching sounds while rounding a corner.
- Never cleaning mold off your shower curtain would count as having a green thumb.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD
- Every time you broke up with a girl, your penis would shrink by one inch.
- In a divorce, the only money a man would be entitled to keep would be one dollar for every minute of postcoital conversation he'd engaged in over the course of the marriage.
- Terms of Endearment VII
---------
I found an old Maxim magazine earlier today in a box of old keepsakes. I found this article while flipping through, asking myself "Why do I have a Maxim magazine?" Pretty funny. I updated some of the older references.
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- In order to expedite the sleeping-together part, eye contact would count as a first date.
- Foreplay would be discarded in favor of a new concept: Fourplay.
- A man could give up a lucrative job for a career in the rodeo without having to hold a "family meeting."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- Speaking solely in Clint Eastwood quotes would count as "opening up."
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Brassieres could be unclasped by gently blowing on them.
- You could never be turned down when asking a woman to dance, because there'd be no more fucking dancing.
- Answering machines would automatically edit out your lame jokes, coughing fits, and long, anguished pauses.
- When women climaxed, they'd make a noise like a pinball machine.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier - a smack on the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
WORK
- You'd be expected to fill out your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
- At any time, and for any reason, you'd be allowed to build a campfire in your office.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortune of the NFL player of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.
- Every memo would require, as a cover sheet, a photocopy of the author's ass.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- Ties would still be required, but they'd be made of beef jerky.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would sound and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
LEISURE
- Flipping the board over in Monopoly would make you the winner.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get beer biceps.
- Easy chairs would give hand jobs.
- All bars and clubs would have comfy "sleep it off" rooms.
- There'd be a spray, similar to the ones that keep pets away from furniture, that would keep your in-laws away from your house.
- Disney World would introduce MedievalTortureLand.
- Car horns would be loud enough to crumble stone walls.
TRADITIONS
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Dueling would make a big come back.
- First the cigar, then the dessert, and so on back through to the soup...salad only if you still had room.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. Instead of candy and cards, it would involve a loving exchange of lunch meats.
- Handshakes would be replaced by shoves.
- The National Anthem would be played before the premiere of any porno film.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
- But it would be celebrated every month.
ENTERTAINMENT
- Garrison Keillor would be the prey in a Wild Kingdom episode.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the criminals.
- Two words: Naked Housewives.
- Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed of the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- Today show host Katie Couric would be replaced by The Incredible Hulk.
- Oprah would become a pro wrestler with the moniker Eater of Worlds.
SPORTS
- The Super Bowl would feature teams composed of actual superheroes.
- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
- Michael would have to keep playing basketball long into his 80's, until his bones started snapping like breadsticks.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- All auto races would be demolition derbies.
LAWS
- You could murder, with impunity, any man who draws a distinction between heat and humidity.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned in the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards. Per year.
- It would be a class-A felony for a man to call himself a feminist.
- Death row gladiator championships.
- Antiquing would be a crime punishable by being flayed alive.
- No highway would have a speed limit, and every one would be shaped like an oval.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
EVERYTHING ELSE:
- Elevator "Close Door" buttons would be responsive to the point of injury.
- Male nurses would just be called doctors, no matter what their level of training.
- Faucets would run "hot," "cold," and "100 proof."
- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
- Sushi would be properly deep-fried.
- Instead of Muzak, elevators would play the sounds of slot-machine payoffs and machine-gun fire at Normandy.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- John Holmes, Nobel prize-winner.
- No guy would ever be laughed at for making screeching sounds while rounding a corner.
- Never cleaning mold off your shower curtain would count as having a green thumb.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD
- Every time you broke up with a girl, your penis would shrink by one inch.
- In a divorce, the only money a man would be entitled to keep would be one dollar for every minute of postcoital conversation he'd engaged in over the course of the marriage.
- Terms of Endearment VII
---------
I found an old Maxim magazine earlier today in a box of old keepsakes. I found this article while flipping through, asking myself "Why do I have a Maxim magazine?" Pretty funny. I updated some of the older references.
"High score baby!!!"
