wstripes
All-American
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
>>
>>As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
>>inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a
>>survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
>>
>>CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
>>smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
>>where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
>>full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
>>has left your pants.
>>
>>FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
>>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
>>come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
>>become suspicious if they catch you constantly going i! nto the bathroom.
>>
>>ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
>>or >forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
>>wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
>>Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
>>urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
>>uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
>>parties feel uneasy.
>>
>>JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
>>pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
>>should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
>>the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>>
>>COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
>>the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
>>the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
>>
>>WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
>>have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
>>if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
>>that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the
>>COURTESY FLUSH.
>>
>>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
>>of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
>>with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the
>>office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>>
>>SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you
>>can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
>>opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
>>your bathroom.
>>
>>TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
>>tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
>>vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
>>occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
>>will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>>
>>CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
>>that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
>>alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
>>with an ASTAIRE.
>>
>>ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
>>tha! t you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall
>>is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
>>the pooper can poop in peace.
>>
>>WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
>>water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
>>coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>>
>>HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
>>in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
>>Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
>>
>>UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
>>spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
>>pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
>>you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
>! gt;you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>>
>>Thoughts to ponder while at work. Have a great day!!!
>>
>>As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
>>inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a
>>survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
>>
>>CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
>>smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
>>where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
>>full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
>>has left your pants.
>>
>>FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
>>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
>>come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
>>become suspicious if they catch you constantly going i! nto the bathroom.
>>
>>ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
>>or >forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
>>wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
>>Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
>>urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
>>uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
>>parties feel uneasy.
>>
>>JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
>>pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
>>should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
>>the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>>
>>COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
>>the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
>>the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
>>
>>WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
>>have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
>>if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
>>that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the
>>COURTESY FLUSH.
>>
>>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
>>of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
>>with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the
>>office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>>
>>SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you
>>can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
>>opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
>>your bathroom.
>>
>>TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
>>tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
>>vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
>>occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
>>will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>>
>>CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
>>that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
>>alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
>>with an ASTAIRE.
>>
>>ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
>>tha! t you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall
>>is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
>>the pooper can poop in peace.
>>
>>WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
>>water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
>>coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>>
>>HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
>>in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
>>Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
>>
>>UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
>>spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
>>pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
>>you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
>! gt;you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>>
>>Thoughts to ponder while at work. Have a great day!!!
