Happy Birthday, Zurp!

[Zurp]

Hey, Happy Late B-Day man, people like you Zurp, they really like you. When I turn the big three-O (this year, ugh) I think I'll sit in a corner and cry for awhile.

Don't worry - just remember that Yertle will soon have a "4" in his age.

 

[Zurp]

Hope you're gathering plenty of new story material today. :)​

How's this:

For thousands of years, mankind has wandered the earth. Just like other animals, the humans had their advantages and disadvantages, when fighting for survival. The birds had their wings to fly, to escape from predators, or attack smaller animals from above. Large cats, such as the lions and tigers, had speed and strength and stealth to attack prey. Humans had telephone answering machines, so that they would get their messages, even when they were out of the house.

Contrary to popular belief, many of these humans didn’t really live in caves. They mostly built crude shelters out of sticks and animal skins. The caves were reserved for social gatherings and for museums, and later, when people learned how to read and write, the libraries were also installed in the caves. Unfortunately, bears used to hibernate in the caves in the winter, and they had no use for museums or libraries, and they made terrible party hosts (let’s just say you would LOVE to hear the words, "Let’s play Jenga!!!").

After a couple of years, one scientist, whose name is not known today, but his name was probably Evan, invented ice. It is a common misconception that fire was a huge invention. But it really wasn’t. In fact, some of the first humans found a box of matches in some abandoned convenient store, which mysteriously burned down a couple of minutes later. Ice was much more difficult to create, because all of the humans (which were about 8) lived in ancient Persia. All of the Persians, on a whim, built a large horse in the city of Troy. Unfortunately, they all wanted to ride the horse at exactly the same time, and no one had a ladder (ladders weren’t invented until May 1, 1987 BC). The Greeks, who didn’t exist, yet, knew that the Persians who had conquered Troy would drive into Greece and destroy any chance for the Greeks to invade France. The Greeks preemptively attacked the Persians and destroyed their horse.

Of course, this made the Persians pretty unhappy. The Persian women were whining about this and that. The Persian men were trying to develop plans to get their revenge on the yet unborn Greeks, but the women were being too annoying. Evan invented ice cream in hopes of shutting the women up.

Then, for a couple of days, nothing happened. Finally, when World War II was finished, Evan decided that the next thing to invent should be a pickle-powered matter-transporter device. He succeeded, of course. But then he was going to destroy his machine so that it wouldn’t do the exact thing that ended up happening: it fell into the wrong hands.

Suddenly, the world’s supply of pickles was being diminished at an exponential rate, and there could be only one reason: a man named Leonard was transporting stuff to the French underground.

Evan knew exactly where to look for the French underground: underground. He used a huge strip-mining machine to uncover the secret base of this Leonard bloke. Finding himself to suddenly be English, Evan vowed to get that wanker long before he would ever get pissed.

All day and all night Evan searched for Leonard, knowing that at any moment, the world may be out of pickles. And then what? "When I order my cheeseburgers, I won’t have any pickles to take off." Crying like a little girl, Evan kept working.

Early the next morning, Evan found a pile of cheddar cheese. But that wasn’t significant, though he’d wonder aloud to anyone who would listen to him the rest of his life what the hell that cheese was doing underground. The significant thing was that Leonard was eating the cheese. "I’ve spotted the bloody wanker!" Evan shouted. He pulled Leonard from his hide-out, and took him to the authorities.

Constable Lewis, whose name was actually "Constable," and who wasn’t actually a constable, sold him a hot dog on the street corner on the way to the police station. Inside the police station, they met all sorts of people, for the police were having a costume party. Evan threw the hot dog at Leonard and called him a Billy-Goat. Evan thought that that was right-funny, but Leonard didn’t really know what a Billy-Goat was, so he promised not to cross any bridges that might have a troll.

When all was said and done, that hot dog never did get eaten.

 

[BB73]

I don't get it.

 

[Deety]

How's this:

For thousands of years, mankind has wandered the earth. Just like other animals, the humans had their advantages and disadvantages, when fighting for survival. The birds had their wings to fly, to escape from predators, or attack smaller animals from above. Large cats, such as the lions and tigers, had speed and strength and stealth to attack prey. Humans had telephone answering machines, so that they would get their messages, even when they were out of the house.

Contrary to popular belief, many of these humans didn’t really live in caves. They mostly built crude shelters out of sticks and animal skins. The caves were reserved for social gatherings and for museums, and later, when people learned how to read and write, the libraries were also installed in the caves. Unfortunately, bears used to hibernate in the caves in the winter, and they had no use for museums or libraries, and they made terrible party hosts (let’s just say you would LOVE to hear the words, "Let’s play Jenga!!!").

After a couple of years, one scientist, whose name is not known today, but his name was probably Evan, invented ice. It is a common misconception that fire was a huge invention. But it really wasn’t. In fact, some of the first humans found a box of matches in some abandoned convenient store, which mysteriously burned down a couple of minutes later. Ice was much more difficult to create, because all of the humans (which were about 8) lived in ancient Persia. All of the Persians, on a whim, built a large horse in the city of Troy. Unfortunately, they all wanted to ride the horse at exactly the same time, and no one had a ladder (ladders weren’t invented until May 1, 1987 BC). The Greeks, who didn’t exist, yet, knew that the Persians who had conquered Troy would drive into Greece and destroy any chance for the Greeks to invade France. The Greeks preemptively attacked the Persians and destroyed their horse.

Of course, this made the Persians pretty unhappy. The Persian women were whining about this and that. The Persian men were trying to develop plans to get their revenge on the yet unborn Greeks, but the women were being too annoying. Evan invented ice cream in hopes of shutting the women up.

Then, for a couple of days, nothing happened. Finally, when World War II was finished, Evan decided that the next thing to invent should be a pickle-powered matter-transporter device. He succeeded, of course. But then he was going to destroy his machine so that it wouldn’t do the exact thing that ended up happening: it fell into the wrong hands.

Suddenly, the world’s supply of pickles was being diminished at an exponential rate, and there could be only one reason: a man named Leonard was transporting stuff to the French underground.

Evan knew exactly where to look for the French underground: underground. He used a huge strip-mining machine to uncover the secret base of this Leonard bloke. Finding himself to suddenly be English, Evan vowed to get that wanker long before he would ever get pissed.

All day and all night Evan searched for Leonard, knowing that at any moment, the world may be out of pickles. And then what? "When I order my cheeseburgers, I won’t have any pickles to take off." Crying like a little girl, Evan kept working.

Early the next morning, Evan found a pile of cheddar cheese. But that wasn’t significant, though he’d wonder aloud to anyone who would listen to him the rest of his life what the hell that cheese was doing underground. The significant thing was that Leonard was eating the cheese. "I’ve spotted the bloody wanker!" Evan shouted. He pulled Leonard from his hide-out, and took him to the authorities.

Constable Lewis, whose name was actually "Constable," and who wasn’t actually a constable, sold him a hot dog on the street corner on the way to the police station. Inside the police station, they met all sorts of people, for the police were having a costume party. Evan threw the hot dog at Leonard and called him a Billy-Goat. Evan thought that that was right-funny, but Leonard didn’t really know what a Billy-Goat was, so he promised not to cross any bridges that might have a troll.

When all was said and done, that hot dog never did get eaten.

Ice cream's good.