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Girlfriend / Dad / Cancer

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Bleed S & G

Bleed S & G

Taking Crazy Pills
Ok.. well, I'm dating someone who was a best friend of mine.. we've been together nearly 8 months now - never been happier with someone.

About a month ago, her Dad went in for a stomach ache and was diagonsed with cancer in his brain, lungs, and liver. He was a survivor from 2 years ago - never went back in for a checkup - and it came back.

We've been driving between Columbus and Grand Rapids every weekend to see him. Last weekend we knew his time was short - went in with a pain in his side, DRs said we need to drain your liver, cat-scan revealed that his liver had too many tumors to do anything about it.

This morning the call came from her family. "He's gone." is the text I got.

I'm 24, she's 22.. I couldn't fathom losing my Dad at this age. I've been her "rock" this entire time.. but I honestly don't know what to do. So, in my first ever sentimental post on this website - what can I do?

She has my shoulder, she has my ear - but besides letting her cry and listening to her.. what can I do or say? Is there anything any of you found helpful when losing a parent?
 
Bleed S & G;1978429; said:
She has my shoulder, she has my ear - but besides letting her cry and listening to her.. what can I do or say? Is there anything any of you found helpful when losing a parent?
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You keep on with the shoulder and ear. Nothing you can do to ease their pain but be there, agree with her, and tell her you are sorry. Tell her how proud her dad was of her and how much he loved her. Never mind that water works start.

You know, she will never again get as many people that liked and respected her dad to be together again in a group. I'd ask all of the people who show up to send her/the family a brief line with the funniest story - or most touching memory of how her dad impacted their lives. Or you be the one who makes sure the request is spread - and compile the responses. I can tell you that the family and your GF would treasure something like that, and it will mean a lot to them.
 
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I was at about the same stage in my relationship with the woman who is now my wife when her grandmother passed away. She admired her grandmother more than anybody, so it was especially difficult for her.

One other thing you can do is make yourself available for anything the family needs. Go and pick up food for them, run errands, look after a young child for a while - take care of anything that might be bothersome or serve as an interruption to the time they need to spend together grieving.

Also, if your relationship is anything like mine was at that stage, there will be points where it's important to realize that you're not necessarily "family" yet, where they need some time or some conversation on their own, without you. You'll need to be there for your girlfriend, but there will also be some moments where you need to just stay out of their way (for lack of a better phrase). You'll figure that part out, I think.
 
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My wife has lost both of her parents since we've been together. All you can do is be there for her. Everybody handles these situations differently, be aware of possible mood swings and bitterness. Don't be surprised if one day she's angry with you because you took her somewhere one day when she could've been with her father. You just have to roll with it.
 
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Was she there when her dad passed? I know that my wife has never forgiven herself for not being able to get there before her father died. We still talk about that years later. Just continue to be there for her and her family.
 
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BUCKYLE;1978451; said:
Grow your beard as long as you can. It's comforting for people to see a bearded man around in times of crisis.
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I have beard.

buckeyebri;1978455; said:
Was she there when her dad passed? I know that my wife has never forgiven herself for not being able to get there before her father died. We still talk about that years later. Just continue to be there for her and her family.
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No, she was in Columbus.

Thank you everyone for the advice - I do apperciate it.
 
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The short answer is no, there's nothing else you can do. I was a bit older than you when I lost my mom to cancer, but still young...my wife felt helpless too. As the person who lost a parent, I can say the simplest way to put it is when she wants you to be there, be there, and if there are times she wants to be alone, let her be. Also if she wants to talk about it, do it, but if she wants to be distracted by other things, don't be afraid to go there either...sometimes a movie or football or something else to think about is a good thing, even for a little while. But she will know when she's ready for that. Basically take your cues from her. She'll hear the whole "better place" thing a thousand times from others probably...just let that go and lend support. All you can do.
 
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Bucklion;1978612; said:
if she wants to be distracted by other things, don't be afraid to go there either...sometimes a movie or football or something else to think about is a good thing, even for a little while. But she will know when she's ready for that.
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Also know just because she might say she is ready for something, if you are in the middle of the football game, movie etc and she starts crying and wants to leave just go.
 
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Bleed S & G;1978429; said:
She has my shoulder, she has my ear - but besides letting her cry and listening to her.. what can I do or say? Is there anything any of you found helpful when losing a parent?
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Just listening and letting her cry is fine - she'll need time to adjust to that loss in her life. How much time varies, and trying to rush it could make things worse. One thing that I've said to those that have lost someone very close to them is 'Cherish the memories".

One thing best avoided is saying what she should be doing. And if she asks for advice, I've found that it usually works better to say something like "Maybe you could ...." or "You may want to think about ..." rather than saying "You should ..." or even "I think you should ...". And of course those are all better than "Why in the Hell don't you ..."

And all of the previous bits of advice are preceded by the phrase "Maybe you should think about ..."
 
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As most of the other guys have said, there really isn't much you can do. The month after my wife and I were married she lost her grandmother who she was especially close too.

All you can do is be there. Mentally, physically, emotionally for her.
 
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To build on what BB73 was saying - realize there is nothing you can do to fix the situation. She doesn't need you to fix it. She needs you to help you deal with her own grief, on her own time line. Like others have said, be there when she calls on you, don't press the issue when she seems like she's been "too quiet" and ... well... frankly, it would be best if you didn't give any advice at all - just let her talk, acknowledge that you heard her by asking her a follow up question or some such, but let her come to her own conclusions. Again, you can't fix this. You can only help(facilitate) her fix herself.
 
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