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Comprehending Engineers


True Madness Requires Significant Intelligence
I used to be an engineer.
Now I am in sales.
The golf joke really made me laugh.

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a Beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
wouldn't have fit anyway."

Lesson: Don't bother to drop even the most obvious hint, they can't
catch anyway.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to

Lesson: There is no philosophy to talk abt but calculations and

Comprehending Engineers -Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude". The
pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him." "Hi John.

Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

Then the pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer, after much thought said, "Why can't these guys play at

Lesson: No emotions please, only practicality works here.

Comprehending Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

Lesson: They build and build and build and build and... to compliment
one another.

Comprehending Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last
said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Lesson: All of them have their own theories. None for believing!

Comprehending Engineers -Take Six

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Lesson: They are complicated and twisted.

Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."
"Yeah," replied the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they

will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you
can go to the lab and get some work done."

Lesson: Gals, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke

up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
the frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again

the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now
that's cool!

Lesson: Once again, gals, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!!!

Now we know why so many engineers are single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I work with engineers on a daily basis and while I have no jokes better than those listed I do have plenty of good stories.

I actually worked with one engineer who tried to answer some really "deep" questions someone gave him. The questions included some of the favorites such as "If Olive Oil comes from an olive, where does Baby Oil come from?" and "Why do you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?"

My favorite personal experience qoes way back to a college job I had. I delivered furniture for a couple of years. We sold tons of patio furniture during the spring and summer. One time a patio set was delivered to a brand new, expensive home and no one was there to receive it. Our practice was to set the umbrella up in the base, open it, take it back down and then separate it from the base pole and leave it sitting on the patio table. We did this to make sure it worked and give the owner's a chance to put something in the umbrella base to hold the umbrella in place. They were the plastic bases you had to fill with sand or water. If you left an umbrella in an unfilled base a strong wind could catch an umbrella that was down and flip the whole table over, breaking the brand new table.

In case you don't have an umbrella like this there is a button on the bottom of the top section that slides easily in to the hole on the top of the bottom section of pole (base pole). The base pole then goes through the hole in the table and rests in the umbrella base. Some base poles have holes in them to put screws through to lock them into the umbrella base.

Anyways, we received a call the next day from a very angry wife who said the umbrella was broken. I went out the next day with our repair kit and lots of base poles to replace the one that came with their umbrella. I set the umbrella up and it worked fine, so I just went ahead and took the whole thing apart again because no one was there to fill the base.

The next day brought another return trip to the house and the wife finally met us there. She had called again because the umbrella was still broken. I went out there with my boss and she started in on us that "My husband is an engineer and he looked at this and cannot fix it. It is broken and you have to replace it immediately." My boss looks at the base pole and sees it is all beat to hell from the husband trying to drill holes in it or lord knows what. He simply flips the pole over, drops it in the base and sets the umbrella in to the base pole. The engineer had been putting the base pole in upside down and never once tried to flip it over.

Every once in a while I deal with a smug engineer who mentions his or her credentials. I usually share that story just to bring them down a notch or two and remind them they are still human. Unfortunately, sometimes engineers do not have the most common sense. Of course, this same statement can apply to any profession.
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I really do respect engineers. Some of my closest friends are engineers :biggrin: Okay, maybe not, but I do respect them. I work with a lot in my profession and have fun teasing them, especially the ones who graduated from michigan. My father-in-law and brother-in-law are both engineers to boot. I had one years ago tell me that PE stood for Public Embarassment. My father-in-law never thought that was funny.
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Hehe - no offence taken. I had a Civil Engineering professor at OSU who used to say that CE didn't stand for Civil Engineer - it stands for 'Coefficient Extractor'. Hehe - I thought it was funny. I guess you had to be there... :wink: :p
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As I said I was an engineer.

I used to do a lot of field work and was usually assigned to training young engineers out of school.
You would be surprised how many engineers would go look for checkered paint or left hand wrenches.
We could usually get one to fall for the, you are going to hydro test the handrails.

The stangest case I had was a straight A ME out of GA Tech. This was in the mid 80's and he shows up at the job site with own personal computer. At the time it probably cost $5000. We had to help him set it up and we enjoyed what was the current version of email and bulletin board activity. He never did buy any other software for it.
He also had an aversion to wearing jeans to work which we all did. He must have ruined a half dozen pair of Khakis crawling through the plant.

We were driving back from lunch and it was raining hard. We could barely see out of his windshield. I mentioned he might want to change his wipers blades. Once we goy back to the plant he confided in me that he had never changed the wipers blades in car. Not only that but he had never changed the oil in a car either. I am not sure how a ME could graduate with the grades this guy did and be so dumb about basic mechanical things.
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FCollinsBuckeye said:
Hey now, you'd better watch it - there are some engineers on this board, you know... :p
I'm an electronics engineer. In my limited experience, I have noticed that everything that has been written so far, is 100% true. Not only are the guys that have been doing this for awhile devoid of a normal sense of humor, but they also lack any sort of fashion sense, common sense, or any other sense that you can think of. Jokes that are not at least slightly perverse will not be understood. Organization of anything not directly related to the current task at hand, is considered useless.

I hope that I will be able to maintain my sanity, by hanging out with non-engineers whenever I am not at work. If I dont' succeed in keeping my distance from these engineers. I fear what I may become.:teeth:
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I love hearing these stories right from the engineers. Like I said, I respect you guys, but there are too many goofy engineers out there that are just perfect for some teasing. My father-in-law, who is now retired, was telling me a story a couple of years ago about how he scuffed up the hardhat of some guy on his crew. He could not get through the story without busting up laughing every 30 seconds. I never saw the humor. Guess it was one of those "You had to be there moments."

The husband of one of my wife's good friends is an electrical engineer. If you looked at him you would figure he should be running a dozer and not doing whatever the hell complicated thing it is he does. Very bright, but is the most laid back guy. Fortunately, he has lots of common sense. Engineers with common sense is a terrific thing. Sounds like you guys have it.
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