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CFBNEWS and Football's Sidd Finch

Discussion in 'Buckeye Football' started by BB73, Apr 1, 2005.

  1. BB73

    BB73 Loves Buckeye History Staff Member Bookie '16 & '17 Upset Contest Winner

    Nestled halfway between Hawaii and Australia lie the tranquil Republic of the Marshall Islands, a tourist retreat and a haven for relaxation and anonymity. The 29 coral atolls and five low-lying islands in the central Pacific are home to 50,000 inhabitants and a stable economy built on the production of copra, the dried meat of a coconut. RMI has been known to export a handful of other home-grown products as well, but elite athletes have never been one of them. The occasional futbol player, perhaps, but football? American football? A ridiculous notion up until eight weeks ago when fate sucker punched conventional wisdom.
    When Utah recruiting coordinator Doug Schramm packed up his family and headed off to Salt Lake City International Airport in early February, he had his sights set firmly on a much-needed break from football; accepting a new job, relocating a wife and two kids and assembling a recruiting class of 24 student-athletes in just two months have a way of depleting any coach’s energy reserve. Little did he know that one freak encounter with one freakish teenager would turn an escape with the family into the Utes’ unofficial first recruiting trip of 2006.

    The first class Marshall Islands Resort Hotel in the capital city of Majuro has hosted heads of state, pampered the privileged and sponsored the annual Outrigger Marshall Islands Cup. Prior to the Schramm’s arrival, however, the resort had never been the site of an impromptu combine workout. All that changed on the afternoon of Feb. 8. And the college football world may never be the same.

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    “After just an exhausting day of travel, we were all hanging around the lobby waiting to check in,” explained Schramm about the day he arrived on the island. “All of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this comic book-like character walking towards me, carrying our luggage as if they were his wallet”. “I’ve been around football players my entire life, but I’ve never seen a young man this physically imposing”. “You couldn’t take your eyes off him”.

    That behemoth of a bellhop was Christian Ikwole (pronounced EE-wo-lay), a 6-8, 350-pound man-child with a smile as broad as his shoulders. You’d have absolutely no reason to know his name today. You most certainly will before the start of the 2006 college football season. You see, during his stay, Schramm discovered that the 19-year old was much more than a novelty act. Before long, he came to realize he’d stumbled on something potentially very special.

    Christian is the baby of Nidel and Miranda’s eight children. He’s a bright, outgoing and deeply religious kid, who would have attended the University of the South Pacific to take agriculture classes if his family had the financial resources. He has always loved sports, but outgrew soccer a few years back, and never could scare up enough friends to join him in a game of basketball, his real passion. To say the teen is a hard worker would be an understatement; by day, he toils on his family’s sun-baked farm. By night, he lugs bags at the resort to help the Ikwole clan make ends meet. Yet, above all else, it’s impossible to describe Christian Ikwole without marveling at his physical attributes. The kid appears to have been created by Michelangelo, and is flat out enormous, even by mythical standards. And yet, that’s just the half the story.

    When word got out that an American football coach was staying at the hotel, Schramm became a minor celebrity among the staff. No, none of them sought his autograph or wanted to discuss what it was like to coach Marshall Faulk. They wanted him to watch Ikwole run.

    ”I’ll admit, the recruiter in me wondered right away if a kid that big had any wheels,” said Schramm. “Before the week was over, Christian’s co-workers finally convinced me to buy a stop watch and a tape measure, and see for myself what the fuss was all about”.

    It’s a good thing the coach succumbed to his curiosity, or else he might have missed a previously incomprehensible athletic performance. 4.18. 4.09. 4.15. Bang, bang, bang. Had he not been holding the stop watch, Schramm never would have accepted that a human this size could run a 40 this fast. It was as if the football gods had manufactured the consummate defensive linemen in a far off corner of the world. Marshall has its Thundering Herd. The Marshall Islands have its thundering blur.

    ”I’ll be honest,” admitted Schramm. “It took a while for me to process what I saw. The kid was moving so fast, he looked like a locomotive. Once I picked my jaw up off the ground, I called Kyle (Whittingham), and told him we needed to get another coach down here immediately”.

    The head coach obliged, but he quickly found out he’d have plenty of competition. Since February, the word about Ikwole has leaked within the coaching fraternity, presumably from a family that believes their son should have more than one option. No one seems to know exactly what they have in this prodigy, nor do they want to discuss the subject. Nearly everyone involved is putting forth his very best poker face. While there are plenty of unknowns surrounding Ikwole, one thing is certain—an all-out recruiting war to obtain his signature is about to erupt in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Since Schramm returned home, Hawaii, USC, Oklahoma, Arizona and BYU have dispatched representatives to the Marshall Islands to verify the existence of football’s version of Sasquatch. More are likely to come before next February’s signing day.

    “From what I saw, if this kid has an ounce of toughness, he’ll be able to dominate any NFL offensive lineman,” said one Sooner assistant, who asked to not be identified. “I’m not talking about after we have him in Norman for three or four years. Today. He’s that physically superior to anything we’ve ever seen. Heck, give him the ball, and if he can fit that frame between the tackles, he’ll revolutionize the running back position”.

    From the most unlikely destination, the next big thing in college athletics is about to make his way to the mainland. Where he lands remains to be seen, but he’s coming. And his arrival is sure to be greeted with more oohs and aahs than a Grucci fireworks show.

    Although the bellhop turned budding superstar is getting further and further from being just a local legend, Ikwole still appears to be grounded, and taking his new-found fame in stride. In his native Micronesian language, he succinctly sums up his recent spike in popularity by saying, “Ejjelok inetata”. In English, that loosely translates into April Fools.
  2. scooter1369

    scooter1369 HTTR Forever.

    Nice. Jerk.
  3. MililaniBuckeye

    MililaniBuckeye The satanic soulless freight train that is Ohio St Staff Member Tech Admin

    As soon as I saw the 40-times, I knew the story was bullshit. Before that, I was thinking how Tressel should book a flight there...
  4. scooter1369

    scooter1369 HTTR Forever.

    That's when I caught it too. But I wasted five minutes reading a pretty good story up until then. Damnit!!!
  5. KevinBuck

    KevinBuck Gave up the ghost

    Rece Davis told a great story similar to this one on The Fan a couple years back (maybe for April Fool's too), but his version was an Australian rugby star who was the prototypical RB and very interested in OSU. Rece had Herbie and probably many listeners drooling over this amazing, unheard-of prospect--until he announced the kid's name was... Hugh Jass.

    Ah, the April Fool's fun...
  6. BrutusBobcat

    BrutusBobcat Icon and Entertainer

    I knew it was an April Fool's joke before I even read it. CFN also had a much funnier one on the Big Ten renaming itself to the "Big Conference". It's hilarious.
  7. MililaniBuckeye

    MililaniBuckeye The satanic soulless freight train that is Ohio St Staff Member Tech Admin

    Some clown named "Pierre Woods" on posted it, thinking it was real. :slappy:
  8. AKAK

    AKAK Well, that's like hypnotizing chickens. Staff Member Tech Admin

    It says Sidd Finch right at the top guys... :wink2:
  9. LloydSev

    LloydSev DreamWeaver

    I didn't think much about the 40 times.. it was the "anonymous" guy from Oklahoma that gave it up for me.
  10. AKAK

    AKAK Well, that's like hypnotizing chickens. Staff Member Tech Admin

  11. BB73

    BB73 Loves Buckeye History Staff Member Bookie '16 & '17 Upset Contest Winner

    Obviously there are a lot of 350-pound guys that can outrun Teddy Ginn.

    I guess most people didn't remembner the name Sidd Finch. I didn't write the article, it really was on today. I put Sidd Finch in the title so that most people wouldn't fall for it, but Sidd was in SI 20 years ago.
  12. 3yardsandacloud

    3yardsandacloud Administrator Emeritus

    Yeah, I thought the Sidd Finch reference would clue most people in ... guess not. That article 20 years ago had ALL kinds of people fooled ... me included.
    osugrad21 likes this.
  13. zincfinger

    zincfinger Gert Frobe-approved

    I wonder what is the fastest legit 40 time on record for a 300+ pounder.
  14. stxbuck

    stxbuck Woody wore Sambas

    Orlando Pace supposedly outran his HS RB-a kid that went to Ball State on scholarship-on a 50 plus yard TD run, Pace clobbered everyone and arrived in the endzone before his teammate w/ the ball. If I had to guess, I would say 4.7 range for a legit 300lb guy would be the record.
    Utah always has a bunch of Samoans-i was believeing it until the 40 time.
  15. Zurp

    Zurp I have misplaced my pants.

    The 40-times didn't tip me off, but I didn't believe them. He's starting the stop watch too late or stopping it too early. Or he sucks at measuring how far 40 yards is, or something. You had me believing right up to the end.

    [Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid]

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