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- Thread starter matz2
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Bill Simmons overall is just a great read no matter what. His diary of the NBA Finals was just classic.
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Bill Simmons is absolutely hilarious...the running diaries he does are classics, especially the one when his father and he reunited for a fantasy baseball draft.matz2 said:
In the ESPN The Magazine with Derek Lee on the cover, Simmons mentions O.J. Mayo in his article about "tremendous upside potential". Here is the link...
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050627
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matz2
Sheeeeeeeeeeeit!
He has wrote a couple of classic articles about his trips to Vegas as well.
Here's a link to his archive (although some of the older article require "Insider" access):
Bill Simmons Archive
Here's a link to his archive (although some of the older article require "Insider" access):
Bill Simmons Archive
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After reading that, maybe my favorite line:
No. 11
2004: Utah takes 7-foot-5 Pavel Prdzswsbqzpdne, who stands up and immediately whiffs on two high-fives. Not a good start for the Pavel Era. Katz calls it a "safe pick." Of course, USA Today's scouting report mentioned that Pavel "takes medication for a hormonal disorder related to pituitary gland." Maybe "safe" wasn't the best choice of words, not after the Gheorghe Muresan Era and Giant Gonzalez's wrestling career. My buddy Jacko quickly jokes, "Must improve: Genetic deficiency."
Here's the link to the fantasy baseball draft running diary...truly a classic:
Link
No. 11
2004: Utah takes 7-foot-5 Pavel Prdzswsbqzpdne, who stands up and immediately whiffs on two high-fives. Not a good start for the Pavel Era. Katz calls it a "safe pick." Of course, USA Today's scouting report mentioned that Pavel "takes medication for a hormonal disorder related to pituitary gland." Maybe "safe" wasn't the best choice of words, not after the Gheorghe Muresan Era and Giant Gonzalez's wrestling career. My buddy Jacko quickly jokes, "Must improve: Genetic deficiency."
Here's the link to the fantasy baseball draft running diary...truly a classic:
Link
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tibor75
Banned
His Karate Kid piece is classic. It's amazing how many people I've run into who also love it. His take on The Replacements is also hilarious
http://espn.go.com/page2/movies/s/simmons/020830.html
http://espn.go.com/page2/movies/s/simmons/020830.html
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matz2
Sheeeeeeeeeeeit!
"The Karate Kid, Part II"
While preparing for this column, I realized that I hadn't seen "KKII" in years. That led to this exchange between me and the guy answering phones at my local Hollywood Video store:
Me: "Hey, I was wondering if you guys had "Karate Kid II" in?"
Guy: (Dead silence)
Me: "You know, the sequel to 'Karate Kid'?"
Guy (a little frightened): "Um, yeah, we do."
Me: "Great, I'm coming down right now to pick it up."
Guy (picking up his other phone to alert local police): "Sure."
(I'm telling you, you haven't really died a slow death in life until you've entered a video store and muttered the words, "Hi, I'm the guy who called about 'Karate Kid II.' ")
The Karate Kid article could be the funniest thing that I have ever read!!!
Apparently, the writers for "KKIII" had a meeting where this exchange happened:
Writer No. 1: "I think we should have The Rich Guy recruit a bully from out of town to help terrorize Daniel-San."
Writer No. 2: "Yeah, we'll name him Mike Barnes ... he could be a renowned teenage karate champ with a mean streak."
Writer No. 1: "That's just what I was thinking! Like an over-the-top Zabka!"
Writer No. 2: "Yes! And in the Finals, Daniel-San somehow beats him."
Writer No. 1: "Perfect! The audience will never see it coming!"
When Daniel-San finds out that The Rich Guy has been working for Creese all along, they confront him at the Cobra Kai studio, pushing him around a little, then crossing their arms and laughing like cartoon villains at him ("HAH HAHA HAH HAH!") before Miyagi saves the day. You can't even measure this scene on the Unintentional Comedy Scale. It's impossible. I can't believe everyone was filming that day with a straight face.
That reminds me, when you're watching this movie with buddies and pulling the "Mystery Science Theater" routine, remember this tip: Every time Daniel-San and Mr. Miyagi have a scene together, crack jokes in the Miyagi voice like, "Daniel-San, take off your shirt, Miyagi show you special massage trick."
(Guaranteed laughs for the entire room. It gets contagious. Pretty soon, everyone will be narrating things like "You know, Daniel-San, you built a little like Miyagi's first wife." Never gets old. I'm tellin' you, everyone will think you're a comedic genius. Just trust me on this.)
Finally, why didn't the "KKIII" writers think up a better ending? They should have gone with a WWF-style twist for the final 20 minutes: First, The Rich Guy buys off Miyagi, only Daniel-San doesn't know about it. Before the finals of the All-Valley Tournament, The Rich Guy shows up with John Creese and his new girlfriend ... Elisabeth Shue, who's all over him as a stunned Daniel-San looks on (making the Ralph Macchio Face).
Then, just when Daniel-San starts winning the final match, Miyagi comes flying in and hits him the head with a bonsai tree, causing him to lose the title and selling him out in the process. And the movie wraps up with Miyagi, Creese, the Rich Guy and Shue celebrating over Daniel-San's battered body as the crowd collectively laughs at him, followed by Daniel-San going into the shower and hanging himself. The end. A fitting finale to the trilogy.
Nope. Never happened. The actual movie ends with Daniel-San retaining his title against Barnes, then raising Miyagi's hand in the air as Creese and The Rich Guy try desperately to look outraged. Just a goofy ending to an utterly goofy movie.
And just like that, the most memorable Sports Movie Trilogy of all-time was finally over. Maybe we never found out what happened to Daniel LaRusso when he grew up, but I can tell you this: If they ever made a "Return of the Karate Kid" movie -- with a grown-up LaRusso opening a karate studio to compete with Cobra Kai, then getting picked on by his own students and eventually pulling Miyagi out of a nursing home to help him survive -- I would be the first person in line.
Come back, Daniel-San. We miss you.
While preparing for this column, I realized that I hadn't seen "KKII" in years. That led to this exchange between me and the guy answering phones at my local Hollywood Video store:
Me: "Hey, I was wondering if you guys had "Karate Kid II" in?"
Guy: (Dead silence)
Me: "You know, the sequel to 'Karate Kid'?"
Guy (a little frightened): "Um, yeah, we do."
Me: "Great, I'm coming down right now to pick it up."
Guy (picking up his other phone to alert local police): "Sure."
(I'm telling you, you haven't really died a slow death in life until you've entered a video store and muttered the words, "Hi, I'm the guy who called about 'Karate Kid II.' ")
The Karate Kid article could be the funniest thing that I have ever read!!!
Apparently, the writers for "KKIII" had a meeting where this exchange happened:
Writer No. 1: "I think we should have The Rich Guy recruit a bully from out of town to help terrorize Daniel-San."
Writer No. 2: "Yeah, we'll name him Mike Barnes ... he could be a renowned teenage karate champ with a mean streak."
Writer No. 1: "That's just what I was thinking! Like an over-the-top Zabka!"
Writer No. 2: "Yes! And in the Finals, Daniel-San somehow beats him."
Writer No. 1: "Perfect! The audience will never see it coming!"
When Daniel-San finds out that The Rich Guy has been working for Creese all along, they confront him at the Cobra Kai studio, pushing him around a little, then crossing their arms and laughing like cartoon villains at him ("HAH HAHA HAH HAH!") before Miyagi saves the day. You can't even measure this scene on the Unintentional Comedy Scale. It's impossible. I can't believe everyone was filming that day with a straight face.
That reminds me, when you're watching this movie with buddies and pulling the "Mystery Science Theater" routine, remember this tip: Every time Daniel-San and Mr. Miyagi have a scene together, crack jokes in the Miyagi voice like, "Daniel-San, take off your shirt, Miyagi show you special massage trick."
(Guaranteed laughs for the entire room. It gets contagious. Pretty soon, everyone will be narrating things like "You know, Daniel-San, you built a little like Miyagi's first wife." Never gets old. I'm tellin' you, everyone will think you're a comedic genius. Just trust me on this.)
Finally, why didn't the "KKIII" writers think up a better ending? They should have gone with a WWF-style twist for the final 20 minutes: First, The Rich Guy buys off Miyagi, only Daniel-San doesn't know about it. Before the finals of the All-Valley Tournament, The Rich Guy shows up with John Creese and his new girlfriend ... Elisabeth Shue, who's all over him as a stunned Daniel-San looks on (making the Ralph Macchio Face).
Then, just when Daniel-San starts winning the final match, Miyagi comes flying in and hits him the head with a bonsai tree, causing him to lose the title and selling him out in the process. And the movie wraps up with Miyagi, Creese, the Rich Guy and Shue celebrating over Daniel-San's battered body as the crowd collectively laughs at him, followed by Daniel-San going into the shower and hanging himself. The end. A fitting finale to the trilogy.
Nope. Never happened. The actual movie ends with Daniel-San retaining his title against Barnes, then raising Miyagi's hand in the air as Creese and The Rich Guy try desperately to look outraged. Just a goofy ending to an utterly goofy movie.
And just like that, the most memorable Sports Movie Trilogy of all-time was finally over. Maybe we never found out what happened to Daniel LaRusso when he grew up, but I can tell you this: If they ever made a "Return of the Karate Kid" movie -- with a grown-up LaRusso opening a karate studio to compete with Cobra Kai, then getting picked on by his own students and eventually pulling Miyagi out of a nursing home to help him survive -- I would be the first person in line.
Come back, Daniel-San. We miss you.
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Simmons is funny until he starts talking about New England. And his WWF scenario skit is old.
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tibor75
Banned
The Vengeance Scale is also funny...
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/print?id=1842924&type=page2Story
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/print?id=1842924&type=page2Story
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Pretty good summary of the draft. The memorable moments were indeed Stu Scott's ridiculous '7 tattoos, but character' comment sitting next to Deron Williams, and McCants tapping Stern on the shoulder to get the handshake photo-op.wadc45 said:
I didn't know most of what Vitale or Screamin' A. Smith said, because I always mute the TV anytime either one of them starts talking. That tactic has improved my quality of life and may help decrease my long-term prospects for hearing loss.
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tibor75
Banned
8:39 – I take back every Vasquez joke: Didn't realize he averaged 8.4 points per game and 4.4 rebounds per game in the Spanish ACB league last year. By the way, Stu Scott is talking to Vasquez through an interpreter right now.
8:39 – Addendum to previous note: The interpreter is for Vasquez, not Stu.
8:39 – Addendum to previous note: The interpreter is for Vasquez, not Stu.
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Sloopy45
Pimp Minister Sinister
I make it a point to read Simmons every single day. The only knock on him is that he can't tear into certain ESPN people because he works for the same company.
For example, the absolute funniest moment of last year's draft was this: if you ever watched a Draft with Vitale as one of the analysts, you would know why he's the guy who basically hand-delivered the Joe Barry Carroll pick (which eventually became McHale & Parish) to the Celtics in the early 80's.
1. He always criticizes teams for taking the best player available, & tells them to draft on need instead. Which is a huge no-no in the NBA Draft: i.e., hey, we're the Portland Trailblazers & we drafted a SG last season. We need a Center. So lets pass on this Jordan kid & take Sam Bowie. Vitale is the epitomy of the guy who would take Bowie.
2. (Now to the funny part) Vitale also does no research whatsoever into HS or foreign players. He rips the teams to shreds that draft any of those kids, too. He basically goes on TV to be a shill for College Basketball & completely ignores his duties on that night: analyze the draft picks. Every time they went to him for his analysis on a foreign kid or a HS kid drafted (there were many last year), he would say its a horrible pick & suggest a college player who wasn't as good.
Finally, we got to the 15th pick (or so), and Vitale was ripping a foreign player to shreds, prompting Jay Bilas to say (sarcastically): "Hey Dick, is there a single high school or foreign player you like in ANY draft??" It was a histerical moment, completely out of the blue, and Simmons couldn't comment on it ..
I also get the feeling that he'd tear Stu Scott to shreds if he had more leeway.
For example, the absolute funniest moment of last year's draft was this: if you ever watched a Draft with Vitale as one of the analysts, you would know why he's the guy who basically hand-delivered the Joe Barry Carroll pick (which eventually became McHale & Parish) to the Celtics in the early 80's.
1. He always criticizes teams for taking the best player available, & tells them to draft on need instead. Which is a huge no-no in the NBA Draft: i.e., hey, we're the Portland Trailblazers & we drafted a SG last season. We need a Center. So lets pass on this Jordan kid & take Sam Bowie. Vitale is the epitomy of the guy who would take Bowie.
2. (Now to the funny part) Vitale also does no research whatsoever into HS or foreign players. He rips the teams to shreds that draft any of those kids, too. He basically goes on TV to be a shill for College Basketball & completely ignores his duties on that night: analyze the draft picks. Every time they went to him for his analysis on a foreign kid or a HS kid drafted (there were many last year), he would say its a horrible pick & suggest a college player who wasn't as good.
Finally, we got to the 15th pick (or so), and Vitale was ripping a foreign player to shreds, prompting Jay Bilas to say (sarcastically): "Hey Dick, is there a single high school or foreign player you like in ANY draft??" It was a histerical moment, completely out of the blue, and Simmons couldn't comment on it ..
I also get the feeling that he'd tear Stu Scott to shreds if he had more leeway.
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OregonBuckeye
Semper Fi Buckeyes
Anyone else gotten sick to death of him? He's a very funny writer and can actually make me laugh out loud but all of his articles are about how great Boston sports are, now. I've almost completely stopped reading his stuff because it's the same crap week after week. It's a shame too because he's about the only writer with talent at ESPiN.
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mross34
Rock, Flag, and Eagle
To be honest with you, the more I read his articles, the more I realize that he's not as funny as the people who are around him are. His readers came up with most of the good stuff (the Ewing Theory, the Lindsay Hunter All-Stars) and when he does the diaries, his friends are the ones with better jokes than him.
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