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Watson, Crick & A Twist
This from the Onion Sports Section
And from The Sports Pickle<b><big>Notre Dame Unveils New "Holding Jesus"</big></b>
Joe Paterno Excited About Winning the Super Bowl
Joe Paterno has been ecstatic ever since his Penn State squad pulled off a big upset over Ohio State on Saturday – a win that ran the team’s record to 6-0 and placed the Nittany Lions in the Top 10 for the first time since 1999. But better yet – according to the 78-year old coach, at least – the victory gave Penn State its first ever Super Bowl title.
“A lot of people said I couldn’t do this anymore. They said I was finished. That I was a senile old man,” said Paterno. “But we proved the doubters wrong by knocking off the great Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers to take home the Super Bowl title. How did I get here? Who are you people? I like cottage cheese.”
Paterno’s excitement is shared throughout the Penn State football program, although none of the coaches on his staff have the heart to break it to the legend that the Nittany Lions did not win the Super Bowl.
“What a great story this season has been so far. It’s met all of our best expectations,” said defensive coordinator Tom Bradley. “Too bad Joe can’t really enjoy it though for what it is due to the fact that he pretty much went completely senile five or six years ago. But hey – if he wants to think we’ve won the Super Bowl, more power to him. It’s no worse than when we were at Northwestern two weeks ago and he tried to run out on the field with no pants on and then accused me of being an alien from the planet Neptron when I tried to stop him.”
As Paterno has gradually lost his mind more and more in recent years, his role with the team has become more of a figurehead position with coordinators running most practices, as well as making the majority of in-game decisions. But Paterno is still as active as ever.
“That’s part of the problem we’ve had over the past few years,” said Bradley. “Keeping tabs on Joe, who is still very strong physically, is quite a task. Remember a few years ago when he ran down that official? All he told him was that he knew he wasn’t a real zebra because real zebras don’t talk. See what I’m talking about? The guy has completely lost his mind.”
This year, the Nittany Lions staff took a new approach with Paterno, one they think is paying dividends.
“Instead of worrying about what he’s going to do all the time, we embraced him more as a sort of mascot – that insane old grandfather we all know and love,” said defensive line coach Larry Johnson. “The younger players have really embraced it. Every time he says or does something totally ridiculous now, like yesterday when he stopped practice to announce he soiled himself, instead of it being awkward and depressing we all just laugh. It’s kept everyone loose.”
“We love playing for Joe. He makes coming to practice fun because we all can’t wait to see what crazy things he’ll do next,” said quarterback Michael Robinson. “I always think it’s funny when he calls all the running backs either ‘Franco’ or ‘Ki-Jana.’ He has no idea what year it is or who anyone is. It’s hilarious. You have to love the old man.”
