methomps
an imbecility, a stupidity without name
Hello Buckeyes. By the time you get this message, it will be too late. Your recruiting class will soon be pillaged. There is nothing you can do about it.
Tomorrow is a day that Pete has been planning since his days as an assistant at tOSU. I am not the benign SC fan you think I am. I am not here simply to dominate your arcade and enlighten you on why the Pac10 is superior to your slow Big Ten. I am Pete's number one right-hand man. I'm his top guy on this operation.
The information I am about to give you is the inner workings of tomorrow's coup. Everything is set in motion and there is nothing you can do but sit back and watch in amazement.
99% of Buckeye Nation will not know what you are about to know. Bucknuts will only know that something has gone terribly wrong. They will meltdown and believe that JT is a terrible closer. In essence, it will be like any other year for them. Except that they will actually be justified in their wailing and "sky is falling" projections of doom.
The Ozone, whatever the hell that is, won't know these inner details. Neither will some whacko's pimped-out daughters. Subscribers to Scarlet and Grey News have known for a week now. Alas, what can five guys do with information that they are not allowed to divulge outside of their premium board?
If only you guys had sacrificed a measly seventy-seven dollars, you might've been able to do something in time to save your beloved Buckeye football. What? They offered you a limited introductory discount? Shame.
Where to start? Let's start with the biggest bang. In this, or any, story, there is nothing bigger than Charlie Weiss. C-dub is an SC plant. Pete arranged so that C-dub would face JT in the Fiesta Bowl. Yes, Stanford came very close to ruining those plans. That's why you never count on ND for anything come bowl time.
Anyway, the Fiesta Bowl was chosen because of the heat. To pull the operation off, Charlie would need to appear to be sweating profusely. When he met JT on the field after the game, JT thought that all he was getting was an uncomfortably sweaty handshake.
In reality, C-dub was applying an ink that was invisible to the naked eye. The only way you can see that ink is with a pair of those sunglasses celebrities wear at night. This was chosen because Leinart said he knew a place where he could get a pair.
The next phase of the plan was executed by my boy Big Fred Davis (for some reason he doesn't like to be called 'BFD'). Big Fred Davis was chosen because he can speak Ohioan and because we don't have any other use for him. His mission was to infiltrate JT's office and download tOSU's 2006 recruit list.
Big Fred Davis snuck into JT's office and located JT's computer (which was on JT's desk just as our intel had predicted). Wearing the celeb shades, BFD was able to see which keys JT pressed on his keyboard. We were going to take those letters and place them into an anagram-generator to figure out JT's password.
You see, we got this idea from the movie National Treasure. It worked for Nicholas Cage because the keyboard in the movie was only used to enter the password, whereas JT used his keyboard for general typing. After I apologized for calling him a worthless idiot, Big Fred Davis released me from the headlock and we proceeded to Emergency Plan B: I downloaded the list from Scout.com.
Pete's #1 phase begins in about 60 seconds. From sixty secret locations spread out around the world (including a golf course in Florida), USC agents will begin faxing sheets of paper completely filled with black ink to the tOSU Athletics Office. This will serve two purposes: to drain the fax machine that tOSU recruits will send their LOI's to of paper and ink.
This is merely a diversionary tactic. You see, the courier who was to deliver a tOSU LOI to one Chris "Don't call me Jim" Wells didn't make his delivery. Instead, he was intercepted and I delivered a package to tOSU's prized recruit.
He thinks it is a tOSU letter of intent. You can't blame him: it looks just like one. Except the fax number provided is actually USC's fax line. When the fax machine begins making noise, the ink on the LOI will shift and all references to tOSU will become USC.
Welcome aboard, Beanie!
Wells will then get a call on his cell from Mr. Pete Carroll, his new coach. Coach Carroll will thank him for his commitment and explain what is happening. Having signed and submitted a legally-binding commitment to USC, Wells will have no choice but to serve Pete in our goal of raiding the entire tOSU class.
At about this time, I suspect JT&co will begin calling recruits and providing them with an alternate fax number to use. This effort will fail because USC operatives will be hiding in the ventilation sysem. They will focus green laser beams on every fax machine in the building, rendering them inoperable.
Jimmy will likely run out of the athletic offices and attempt to use a fax machine at another building. We have a surprise waiting for him. Lendale White will be perched on the roof of a building, ranting down at JT and the confused bystanders. Moments later, JT will watch in horror as Reggie Bush pushes White off the building. He will run to White's aid, buying our plan valuable time.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the sky over Ohio, Chris Wells will be aboard Pete Force One making his way to every tOSU recruit. Wells, Snoop Dog, and Nick Lachey (who won't stop whining about how he can't find his cool shades) will wine and dine every single one of them.
So there you go. USC gets the #1 recruiting class with over 40 prospects. What is that you ask? How will we get them all in? Easy! ESPN will be spearheading our campaign to lobby the NCAA to create a one-time allowance for USC to take in extra recruits.
And don't you entertain any hopes that some miracle is going to save you. I've already dispatched two of my men to kill Jack Bauer. They haven't checked in yet, but they were scheduled to off him about 30 minutes ago. I assume it has been taken care of.
I know this has been a lot of bad news to dump on you, so I'll give you a gift: each of you has the limited opportunity to convert and become USC fans. If you accept, you'll begin your offseason Starbucks regimine immediately. In your spare time, practice the line "Troy is mother to us all! Fight for her!" Also, invest in some Laker gear (car flags a must) in case things turn south at USC.
Meanwhile, say hello to USC's newest Trojans (aside from the ones we've recruited on our own) who will help us in our quest for back-to-back-to-back-to-back National Championships:
<o></o>
G Larry Grant 6-3/225/4.45<o></o>
TE Thaddeus Gibson 6-2/212/4.50
DL Ray Small 5-11/170/4.40
TE <st1><st1:country-region w:st="on">Aram</st1:country-region></st1> Olson 01/18/2006
OL Aaron Gant 6-0/200
P Bryant Browning 6-3/328
TE Andy Miller 6-7/255
TE Walter <st1><st1:city w:st="on">Dublin</st1:city></st1> 6-3/235/4.60
TE Mark Johnson 6-3/227/4.55
FB Robert Rose 6-4/240/4.70
LS Chimdi Chekwa 6-1/170/4.54
TE Dexter Larimore 6-3/260/4.80
TE Grant Schwartz 6-0/200/4.50
TE <st1><st1:city w:st="on">Tyler</st1:city></st1> Moeller 6-1/205/4.50
TE Connor Smith 6-5/295/5.10
S Antonio Henton 6-1.5/207/4.65
FB Kurt Coleman 5-11/180/4.40
WR Jake Ballard 6-6.5/255/4.80
TE Ross Homan 6-1/227/4.70
RB Chris Wells
By the way, in case you have the idea of taking solace in the fact that we weren't able to crack JT's password: you're wrong. It's "hot4alba".
Fine Print: By reading this page, you agree, under penalty of execution, to not disseminate this information to anyone (especially Jim).
Tomorrow is a day that Pete has been planning since his days as an assistant at tOSU. I am not the benign SC fan you think I am. I am not here simply to dominate your arcade and enlighten you on why the Pac10 is superior to your slow Big Ten. I am Pete's number one right-hand man. I'm his top guy on this operation.
The information I am about to give you is the inner workings of tomorrow's coup. Everything is set in motion and there is nothing you can do but sit back and watch in amazement.
99% of Buckeye Nation will not know what you are about to know. Bucknuts will only know that something has gone terribly wrong. They will meltdown and believe that JT is a terrible closer. In essence, it will be like any other year for them. Except that they will actually be justified in their wailing and "sky is falling" projections of doom.
The Ozone, whatever the hell that is, won't know these inner details. Neither will some whacko's pimped-out daughters. Subscribers to Scarlet and Grey News have known for a week now. Alas, what can five guys do with information that they are not allowed to divulge outside of their premium board?
If only you guys had sacrificed a measly seventy-seven dollars, you might've been able to do something in time to save your beloved Buckeye football. What? They offered you a limited introductory discount? Shame.
Where to start? Let's start with the biggest bang. In this, or any, story, there is nothing bigger than Charlie Weiss. C-dub is an SC plant. Pete arranged so that C-dub would face JT in the Fiesta Bowl. Yes, Stanford came very close to ruining those plans. That's why you never count on ND for anything come bowl time.
Anyway, the Fiesta Bowl was chosen because of the heat. To pull the operation off, Charlie would need to appear to be sweating profusely. When he met JT on the field after the game, JT thought that all he was getting was an uncomfortably sweaty handshake.
In reality, C-dub was applying an ink that was invisible to the naked eye. The only way you can see that ink is with a pair of those sunglasses celebrities wear at night. This was chosen because Leinart said he knew a place where he could get a pair.
The next phase of the plan was executed by my boy Big Fred Davis (for some reason he doesn't like to be called 'BFD'). Big Fred Davis was chosen because he can speak Ohioan and because we don't have any other use for him. His mission was to infiltrate JT's office and download tOSU's 2006 recruit list.
Big Fred Davis snuck into JT's office and located JT's computer (which was on JT's desk just as our intel had predicted). Wearing the celeb shades, BFD was able to see which keys JT pressed on his keyboard. We were going to take those letters and place them into an anagram-generator to figure out JT's password.
You see, we got this idea from the movie National Treasure. It worked for Nicholas Cage because the keyboard in the movie was only used to enter the password, whereas JT used his keyboard for general typing. After I apologized for calling him a worthless idiot, Big Fred Davis released me from the headlock and we proceeded to Emergency Plan B: I downloaded the list from Scout.com.
Pete's #1 phase begins in about 60 seconds. From sixty secret locations spread out around the world (including a golf course in Florida), USC agents will begin faxing sheets of paper completely filled with black ink to the tOSU Athletics Office. This will serve two purposes: to drain the fax machine that tOSU recruits will send their LOI's to of paper and ink.
This is merely a diversionary tactic. You see, the courier who was to deliver a tOSU LOI to one Chris "Don't call me Jim" Wells didn't make his delivery. Instead, he was intercepted and I delivered a package to tOSU's prized recruit.
He thinks it is a tOSU letter of intent. You can't blame him: it looks just like one. Except the fax number provided is actually USC's fax line. When the fax machine begins making noise, the ink on the LOI will shift and all references to tOSU will become USC.
Welcome aboard, Beanie!
Wells will then get a call on his cell from Mr. Pete Carroll, his new coach. Coach Carroll will thank him for his commitment and explain what is happening. Having signed and submitted a legally-binding commitment to USC, Wells will have no choice but to serve Pete in our goal of raiding the entire tOSU class.
At about this time, I suspect JT&co will begin calling recruits and providing them with an alternate fax number to use. This effort will fail because USC operatives will be hiding in the ventilation sysem. They will focus green laser beams on every fax machine in the building, rendering them inoperable.
Jimmy will likely run out of the athletic offices and attempt to use a fax machine at another building. We have a surprise waiting for him. Lendale White will be perched on the roof of a building, ranting down at JT and the confused bystanders. Moments later, JT will watch in horror as Reggie Bush pushes White off the building. He will run to White's aid, buying our plan valuable time.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the sky over Ohio, Chris Wells will be aboard Pete Force One making his way to every tOSU recruit. Wells, Snoop Dog, and Nick Lachey (who won't stop whining about how he can't find his cool shades) will wine and dine every single one of them.
So there you go. USC gets the #1 recruiting class with over 40 prospects. What is that you ask? How will we get them all in? Easy! ESPN will be spearheading our campaign to lobby the NCAA to create a one-time allowance for USC to take in extra recruits.
And don't you entertain any hopes that some miracle is going to save you. I've already dispatched two of my men to kill Jack Bauer. They haven't checked in yet, but they were scheduled to off him about 30 minutes ago. I assume it has been taken care of.
I know this has been a lot of bad news to dump on you, so I'll give you a gift: each of you has the limited opportunity to convert and become USC fans. If you accept, you'll begin your offseason Starbucks regimine immediately. In your spare time, practice the line "Troy is mother to us all! Fight for her!" Also, invest in some Laker gear (car flags a must) in case things turn south at USC.
Meanwhile, say hello to USC's newest Trojans (aside from the ones we've recruited on our own) who will help us in our quest for back-to-back-to-back-to-back National Championships:
<o></o>
G Larry Grant 6-3/225/4.45<o></o>
TE Thaddeus Gibson 6-2/212/4.50
DL Ray Small 5-11/170/4.40
TE <st1><st1:country-region w:st="on">Aram</st1:country-region></st1> Olson 01/18/2006
OL Aaron Gant 6-0/200
P Bryant Browning 6-3/328
TE Andy Miller 6-7/255
TE Walter <st1><st1:city w:st="on">Dublin</st1:city></st1> 6-3/235/4.60
TE Mark Johnson 6-3/227/4.55
FB Robert Rose 6-4/240/4.70
LS Chimdi Chekwa 6-1/170/4.54
TE Dexter Larimore 6-3/260/4.80
TE Grant Schwartz 6-0/200/4.50
TE <st1><st1:city w:st="on">Tyler</st1:city></st1> Moeller 6-1/205/4.50
TE Connor Smith 6-5/295/5.10
S Antonio Henton 6-1.5/207/4.65
FB Kurt Coleman 5-11/180/4.40
WR Jake Ballard 6-6.5/255/4.80
TE Ross Homan 6-1/227/4.70
RB Chris Wells
By the way, in case you have the idea of taking solace in the fact that we weren't able to crack JT's password: you're wrong. It's "hot4alba".
Fine Print: By reading this page, you agree, under penalty of execution, to not disseminate this information to anyone (especially Jim).
Last edited:
methomps, you put a bunch of work into that post
