MistriBuck
aka MartyrBuck
(this was sent to me in an email, not my writing.......you don't even have to read the captions, the pictures alone are hilarious)
http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1326&stc=1
#5- Orleans- Waking and Dreaming
Hey guys, I think you got your album title mixed up with the Ministers Quartet up there. By the way, if I ever ‘wake up into a dream’ where I am surrounded by a bunch of naked male hippies, it had better be the result of a toxic snakebite and/or a fever-induced coma. Again, I have to ask the obvious question; who decided that an album cover featuring hairy naked dudes would sell music? Especially when some of the guys look way too happy, while a couple are noticeably uncomfortable. They snapped the picture when the guy in the middle was saying, “Hey, Julian, we aren’t all like you and Viceroy. Where is your other hand? I need to see them both. That was the deal.” I have no idea what this music is like, but at least we know where boy bands came from.
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http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1327&stc=1
#4- Millie Jackson- E.S.P.
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E.S.P. stands for “extra sexual persuasion”, by the way. See, she decided to use her sex to persuade people. Really original. Luckily, other women never caught on to the idea. What? Extra Sexual Persuasion? Well, if it’s extra sexual…well, that’s different now, isn’t it? Let me call my friend Tino and we’ll make a day of it.
I know exactly how this cover layout came to be. Millie is another former porn actress known as Tanner Treats. Her producer called her to do the shoot, but she was in the third day of a nine-day coke binge and couldn’t be reached. He looked through her archive of photos and found one of her that was shot just as she was about to perform fellatio on a dead horse. After that, it was only a matter of removing the equine phallus and replacing it with a crystal ball.
On an unrelated note, this album once belonged to Larry Wattley, who signed his name on it with a black marker. You don’t want you friends walking off with part of your Millie Jackson LP Collection.
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http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1328&stc=1
#3- John Bult- Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday
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This photo appears to have been taken closer to Julie’s 27th birthday, but let’s pretend we are idiots for a minute. In the world of visual communication, you have to worry about things like the feeling an image evokes. I *think* they wanted this to be a picture of a father consoling his young daughter on her sweet sixteen because she got pregnant or something. I’m not a father, but I’d guess you do stuff like that when your daughter turns sixteen. What I see when I look at this picture is a married guy (wedding ring) in a bar (beer and cigarette), holding hands with a girl who is twenty years his junior. She has been in the trunk of his Camaro for two or three days, and he made her put on lots of makeup so he could get her in to the bar for a “date”. He is busy insisting that she loves him, or will grow to love him if she knows what’s good for her. She silently screams for him to stop squeezing her hand so hard and just let her go. The absence of eye contact says it all. She is praying for the sweet release of death.
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http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1329&stc=1
#2- Devastatin’ Dave (The Turntable Slave)- Zip Zap Rap
</CENTER>Devastatin’ Dave was just barely nudged out of first place. Something tells me that Dave has never quite devastated his way to the top. This may have been his only shot at number one, but he just sucks on so many levels that I couldn’t even let him win a contest of suckiness. From the hair that was washed in Wesson oil, the lightning bolt earring, to the outfit that was left over in the wardrobe room from Breakin’ 2- The Electric Boogaloo. Being a turntable slave requires that you cut the fingers out of your gloves and tear off your sleeves. Turntable slaves don’t need that shit. When asked what he wanted to name this album, he came up with “Zip Zap Rap”. Come on, Devastatin’, cant you come up with something a little less inspired? I’d imagine that most of his lyrics start with “Well my name is Dave and I’m here to say…” The best part about this cover is that diagonal yellow band in the top. You can’t read it, but it says “Hear our Message- Say no to Drugs!” Yeah. Hear our message. The smallest text anywhere on the album. The real message is “Kick my ass. I am carrying around an album called ‘Zip Zap Rap’”.
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http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1330&stc=1
#1- Tino- Por Primera Vez
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This album cover was made because not enough people in Tino’s hometown hated him. Por Primera Vez means “for the first time”. As in- For the first time, I have an excuse to wear my little sisters clothes. I’m sure he was referring to de-flowering a virgin, based on his oh-so-seductive pose. He doesn’t look the least bit creepy or unnatural. What he looks like is a smoldering latin heart throb…wearing Jordache shorts that were made for an eight year old girl, and an izod golf shirt that is stretched so tight you can see through it. The colors used in the title block are timeless, assuming your idea of time is between 1976 and 1978. It was a close race between Tino and Devastatin’ Dave for the number one spot, but the element that pushed it over the edge was Tino’s left hand on his abdomen. I don’t know why that triggers my gag reflex, but it does. If anyone has any ideas that would make this album cover more uncomfortable to look at, please don’t tell me. Author's note: You have probably seen these images elsewhere. I asked permission and gave credit to the sources from which they came. I wrote the captions myself, and most people find them funny. If you are offended or think they are lame, start a blog and write better ones.
Copyright © 2005 Dusty Scott
http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1326&stc=1
#5- Orleans- Waking and Dreaming
Hey guys, I think you got your album title mixed up with the Ministers Quartet up there. By the way, if I ever ‘wake up into a dream’ where I am surrounded by a bunch of naked male hippies, it had better be the result of a toxic snakebite and/or a fever-induced coma. Again, I have to ask the obvious question; who decided that an album cover featuring hairy naked dudes would sell music? Especially when some of the guys look way too happy, while a couple are noticeably uncomfortable. They snapped the picture when the guy in the middle was saying, “Hey, Julian, we aren’t all like you and Viceroy. Where is your other hand? I need to see them both. That was the deal.” I have no idea what this music is like, but at least we know where boy bands came from.
<CENTER>
http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1327&stc=1
#4- Millie Jackson- E.S.P.
</CENTER>
E.S.P. stands for “extra sexual persuasion”, by the way. See, she decided to use her sex to persuade people. Really original. Luckily, other women never caught on to the idea. What? Extra Sexual Persuasion? Well, if it’s extra sexual…well, that’s different now, isn’t it? Let me call my friend Tino and we’ll make a day of it.
I know exactly how this cover layout came to be. Millie is another former porn actress known as Tanner Treats. Her producer called her to do the shoot, but she was in the third day of a nine-day coke binge and couldn’t be reached. He looked through her archive of photos and found one of her that was shot just as she was about to perform fellatio on a dead horse. After that, it was only a matter of removing the equine phallus and replacing it with a crystal ball.
On an unrelated note, this album once belonged to Larry Wattley, who signed his name on it with a black marker. You don’t want you friends walking off with part of your Millie Jackson LP Collection.
<CENTER>
http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1328&stc=1
#3- John Bult- Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday
</CENTER>
This photo appears to have been taken closer to Julie’s 27th birthday, but let’s pretend we are idiots for a minute. In the world of visual communication, you have to worry about things like the feeling an image evokes. I *think* they wanted this to be a picture of a father consoling his young daughter on her sweet sixteen because she got pregnant or something. I’m not a father, but I’d guess you do stuff like that when your daughter turns sixteen. What I see when I look at this picture is a married guy (wedding ring) in a bar (beer and cigarette), holding hands with a girl who is twenty years his junior. She has been in the trunk of his Camaro for two or three days, and he made her put on lots of makeup so he could get her in to the bar for a “date”. He is busy insisting that she loves him, or will grow to love him if she knows what’s good for her. She silently screams for him to stop squeezing her hand so hard and just let her go. The absence of eye contact says it all. She is praying for the sweet release of death.
<CENTER>
http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1329&stc=1
#2- Devastatin’ Dave (The Turntable Slave)- Zip Zap Rap
</CENTER>Devastatin’ Dave was just barely nudged out of first place. Something tells me that Dave has never quite devastated his way to the top. This may have been his only shot at number one, but he just sucks on so many levels that I couldn’t even let him win a contest of suckiness. From the hair that was washed in Wesson oil, the lightning bolt earring, to the outfit that was left over in the wardrobe room from Breakin’ 2- The Electric Boogaloo. Being a turntable slave requires that you cut the fingers out of your gloves and tear off your sleeves. Turntable slaves don’t need that shit. When asked what he wanted to name this album, he came up with “Zip Zap Rap”. Come on, Devastatin’, cant you come up with something a little less inspired? I’d imagine that most of his lyrics start with “Well my name is Dave and I’m here to say…” The best part about this cover is that diagonal yellow band in the top. You can’t read it, but it says “Hear our Message- Say no to Drugs!” Yeah. Hear our message. The smallest text anywhere on the album. The real message is “Kick my ass. I am carrying around an album called ‘Zip Zap Rap’”.
<CENTER>
http://www.buckeyeplanet.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1330&stc=1
#1- Tino- Por Primera Vez
</CENTER>
This album cover was made because not enough people in Tino’s hometown hated him. Por Primera Vez means “for the first time”. As in- For the first time, I have an excuse to wear my little sisters clothes. I’m sure he was referring to de-flowering a virgin, based on his oh-so-seductive pose. He doesn’t look the least bit creepy or unnatural. What he looks like is a smoldering latin heart throb…wearing Jordache shorts that were made for an eight year old girl, and an izod golf shirt that is stretched so tight you can see through it. The colors used in the title block are timeless, assuming your idea of time is between 1976 and 1978. It was a close race between Tino and Devastatin’ Dave for the number one spot, but the element that pushed it over the edge was Tino’s left hand on his abdomen. I don’t know why that triggers my gag reflex, but it does. If anyone has any ideas that would make this album cover more uncomfortable to look at, please don’t tell me. Author's note: You have probably seen these images elsewhere. I asked permission and gave credit to the sources from which they came. I wrote the captions myself, and most people find them funny. If you are offended or think they are lame, start a blog and write better ones.
Copyright © 2005 Dusty Scott
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