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I apparently need to be more careful about logging out during quarantine.

Trying to figure out photoshop by giving Matt Damon a pair of big boobs.

It may be fake money, but without those stacks, they get no snacks!

Maybe if I wasn’t married. I had incredibly low standards when I was single. I’ve had sex with some incredibly old, fat, and ugly women. My dick is apolitical.

Work from home, I have dumbells and kettle bells for working out, and doing some online classes. Wife and kids are home with me so that sucks.

my wife is an absolute prison warden with the kids compared to me. My usual answer when they ask for something is go for it, but if mom catches you you’re on your own. I showed her this, she is putting this together even as I write this. It sucks for the kids but fuck ‘em. The more she’s on...

Having the whole family stuck at the house had not been good for the plumbing. After just one week my toilet has started smoking. I’m worried that this is just a gateway to worse issues. Edit: in the interest of copywrite law, this is my daughter’s work, not mine.

De Blasio is an idiot. I don't have the time to fully explain the stupidity he has demonstrated throughout the entirety of this pandemic. I'm guessing he gets his knowledge of the military from movies and tv shows.

My huge Bernie supporting daughter was telling me she wants Warren to drop out and throw her support behind Bernie. Asked her if she really felt that way, that the best place for a woman is supporting her man. She’ll eventually start talking to me again I think.

Didn’t Nebraska win the 97 championship?

I believe that headline should say “Scientists don’t get paid for shit and are bitter”

My very liberal college sophomore daughter spent hours trying to get me to vote for Bernie Sanders. I sent her this valentine today. Edit: just to be clear, I’m no fanboy of the president. I just like being a a-hole.

I’d say something but I never argue with a a-hole

For background I am an active-duty officer in the Army. My boss is a full bird colonel. A civilian in my office is a bit intense. He gets loud and emotional when arguing. Today he said something about anti-vaxxers. Told him I refuse to vaccinate my children. This guy lost his mind...

Jif peanut butter.

Do I bite? Nope, better luck next time fisherman. Not reeling me in this time.

Well, Jennifer Lawrence’s butthole was cleaner so I’ll go with that.

After reading this thread I decided to give krystal a try. Honestly the burger sucked but I did finally get around to googling Jennifer lawrence’s butthole while I was waiting in the drive through.

and by extension fuck Clemson.