BrutusBobcat
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Osama Bin Laden press conference as conducted by Jim Tressel:
Tressel: Good evening, everyone. It's good to have you all back here at the White House and I see former President Bush is here and it's always great to see him and have a former President in the building and he's always running around the White House and sticking his head in meetings and so forth so it's great to see him here tonight. Has anyone seen Coach Bruce? He is? Out in the lobby? Well let him know that we've got some important stuff going on in here, okay? Great. Well as you know, we've been fighting this war on terror for gosh, ten years is it? They say time flies and it sure has I guess. It seems like just yesterday that the towers were falling and George was telling us about old wanted posters out west. Dead or alive, I think he said and that's been the goal of our guys ever since and boy have they worked hard over the years. Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, CIA, NSA, DHS, Coast Guard, Border Patrol and probably a bunch of other people I'm forgetting to mention. Lori? Don't leave out the IRS? Not sure what they did, but okay here's a shout out to the IRS for tracking down terrorist money or whatever the good folks over there do. Don't want to leave anyone out since so many people have worked so hard to get us where we are, this being a team effort and all. So one thing I can tell you and confirm tonight is that we've made progress against a high value target in another country and that this is quite an achievement for all of our people and we couldn't have done it without any of them and that our people really deserve a lot of credit for working so hard and achieving this achievement and so forth. Questions?
Press: Mr. Tressel, exactly what achievement is that?
Tressel: Well John, it's John isn't it? Sorry about that, I'm still learning all of your names. This is a much bigger room than the one we had back in Columbus, that's for sure. Isn't that right, Lori? We sure do miss those small gatherings and we had great relationships with the people back there and Youngstown State was the same way. What was the question again? Oh right, what we achieved. My understanding is that a target of high value was located and our people received actionable information and took action against that target and so forth.
Press: Mr. Tressel, what kind of action? Are we talking killed, captured, mildly annoyed...?
Tressel: Gosh, you're getting into a lot of details there and I don't know if we have all of that information so you'll have to be patient with us as we get confirmation of all of that. Maybe we can have more details by Tuesday's luncheon. What's that? We don't have a Tuesday luncheon anymore? When did that change? Okay, sure. Well, if we can get that information maybe we can set one up. Next question?
Press: Mr. Tressel, in what country did this "action" take place?
Tressel: Gosh, we have anti-terror operations going on in so many countries and it's hard to keep them straight since they all seem to end in "stan". It might have been Afghanistan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Kazachstan...wait, that's where Borat is from? He's a funny guy so I doubt he's a terrorist although he needs to clean up his humor a bit for the kids. So one of the stans, I'm pretty sure. What's that Lori? We're also after terrorists in Yemen? Is that North Yemen or South Yemen? They're all the same now? When did that happen? Okay, I'll take your word for it. Coach Bruce always had trouble keeping the stans apart and used to say "all stans weren't created equal but we can make 'em equal" which I think sums up our policy pretty well. Next?
Press: Can you tell us who the target was of this operation?
Tressel: You know, we take each opponent pretty seriously around here because fighting terrorism is a tough fight and week in and week out you're facing a fanatic who wants to beat you and you can't let your guard down so we take all of our targets seriously and try not to get into personalities too much. We just know that all of our targets are important and work hard at being prepared to take full advantage of our opportunities to keep getting better at pursuing them.
Press: Were special forces used, and if so, which units?
Tressel: As we like to say around here it's all a team effort and we have a bunch of terrific units in both our defense and intelligence full of hard working and dedicated people and so forth so I don't know that we can single out any one group per se and say "hey, these guys deserve all the credit" because it's truly a team effort all the way from the President down to the guys who scrub the decks on the aircraft carriers. Any more? Okay, Lori says we can have one more question.
Press: We've heard rumors that a secret helicopter was used, possibly a stealth helicopter. Any comments?
Tressel: Oh gosh, I wouldn't know anything about that. Are you sure it wasn't the French? They're pretty sneaking and a stealth helicopter or whatever sounds like their kind of thing. We believe that the important thing is to execute the fundamentals of your mission regardless of what kind of helicopters you do or don't have or even if you don't use helicopters at all and maybe go with trucks or camels or something. Ideally, it's always nice to have some quiet helicopters in your arsenal but if you don't have that you still have to accomplish the mission. Thanks for coming everyone, and I guess we'll see you next week to discuss the budget and debt ceiling and so forth.
Tressel: Good evening, everyone. It's good to have you all back here at the White House and I see former President Bush is here and it's always great to see him and have a former President in the building and he's always running around the White House and sticking his head in meetings and so forth so it's great to see him here tonight. Has anyone seen Coach Bruce? He is? Out in the lobby? Well let him know that we've got some important stuff going on in here, okay? Great. Well as you know, we've been fighting this war on terror for gosh, ten years is it? They say time flies and it sure has I guess. It seems like just yesterday that the towers were falling and George was telling us about old wanted posters out west. Dead or alive, I think he said and that's been the goal of our guys ever since and boy have they worked hard over the years. Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, CIA, NSA, DHS, Coast Guard, Border Patrol and probably a bunch of other people I'm forgetting to mention. Lori? Don't leave out the IRS? Not sure what they did, but okay here's a shout out to the IRS for tracking down terrorist money or whatever the good folks over there do. Don't want to leave anyone out since so many people have worked so hard to get us where we are, this being a team effort and all. So one thing I can tell you and confirm tonight is that we've made progress against a high value target in another country and that this is quite an achievement for all of our people and we couldn't have done it without any of them and that our people really deserve a lot of credit for working so hard and achieving this achievement and so forth. Questions?
Press: Mr. Tressel, exactly what achievement is that?
Tressel: Well John, it's John isn't it? Sorry about that, I'm still learning all of your names. This is a much bigger room than the one we had back in Columbus, that's for sure. Isn't that right, Lori? We sure do miss those small gatherings and we had great relationships with the people back there and Youngstown State was the same way. What was the question again? Oh right, what we achieved. My understanding is that a target of high value was located and our people received actionable information and took action against that target and so forth.
Press: Mr. Tressel, what kind of action? Are we talking killed, captured, mildly annoyed...?
Tressel: Gosh, you're getting into a lot of details there and I don't know if we have all of that information so you'll have to be patient with us as we get confirmation of all of that. Maybe we can have more details by Tuesday's luncheon. What's that? We don't have a Tuesday luncheon anymore? When did that change? Okay, sure. Well, if we can get that information maybe we can set one up. Next question?
Press: Mr. Tressel, in what country did this "action" take place?
Tressel: Gosh, we have anti-terror operations going on in so many countries and it's hard to keep them straight since they all seem to end in "stan". It might have been Afghanistan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Kazachstan...wait, that's where Borat is from? He's a funny guy so I doubt he's a terrorist although he needs to clean up his humor a bit for the kids. So one of the stans, I'm pretty sure. What's that Lori? We're also after terrorists in Yemen? Is that North Yemen or South Yemen? They're all the same now? When did that happen? Okay, I'll take your word for it. Coach Bruce always had trouble keeping the stans apart and used to say "all stans weren't created equal but we can make 'em equal" which I think sums up our policy pretty well. Next?
Press: Can you tell us who the target was of this operation?
Tressel: You know, we take each opponent pretty seriously around here because fighting terrorism is a tough fight and week in and week out you're facing a fanatic who wants to beat you and you can't let your guard down so we take all of our targets seriously and try not to get into personalities too much. We just know that all of our targets are important and work hard at being prepared to take full advantage of our opportunities to keep getting better at pursuing them.
Press: Were special forces used, and if so, which units?
Tressel: As we like to say around here it's all a team effort and we have a bunch of terrific units in both our defense and intelligence full of hard working and dedicated people and so forth so I don't know that we can single out any one group per se and say "hey, these guys deserve all the credit" because it's truly a team effort all the way from the President down to the guys who scrub the decks on the aircraft carriers. Any more? Okay, Lori says we can have one more question.
Press: We've heard rumors that a secret helicopter was used, possibly a stealth helicopter. Any comments?
Tressel: Oh gosh, I wouldn't know anything about that. Are you sure it wasn't the French? They're pretty sneaking and a stealth helicopter or whatever sounds like their kind of thing. We believe that the important thing is to execute the fundamentals of your mission regardless of what kind of helicopters you do or don't have or even if you don't use helicopters at all and maybe go with trucks or camels or something. Ideally, it's always nice to have some quiet helicopters in your arsenal but if you don't have that you still have to accomplish the mission. Thanks for coming everyone, and I guess we'll see you next week to discuss the budget and debt ceiling and so forth.