Jami Jurich
Guest
If This Were A Movie: Ohio State fights a losing battle against the killer robots of ‘Chopping Mall’
Jami Jurich via our friends at Land-Grant Holy Land
Visit their fantastic blog and read the full article (and so much more) here
Photo by Ben Jackson/Getty Images
Someone get a technician in the control room, I beg of you.
Honestly, the vibes are so rancid in this moment that it’s hard to even come up with a film that encapsulates what we all witnessed today. The season isn’t over, but it felt like we were attending our own funeral for most of this afternoon. It appeared to be less like a movie and more like a circus nightmare.
But in the spirit of Black Friday yesterday and my unrelated desire to wear black today and for the foreseeable future, humor me: Let’s imagine that today’s game took place not in The Shoe but at the Park Plaza Mall, the setting for the 1986 film “Chopping Mall.”
Park Plaza has recently installed a new, state-of-the-art security system: Robots named Protectors 1, 2 and 3. But when a lightning storm damages their control system, the Protectors go rogue, chasing and killing teens who have decided to throw a party in the mall’s furniture store overnight.
Before the robots began to unleash their horrors, the teens had big dreams of a night of fun with friends, lawlessness, and teenage antics. So too did the dreams of Buckeye fans die a painful death today—dreams of finally snapping our losing streak to the Wolverines. Dreams of handing them a double-digit loss en route to the Big Ten Championship. They were to be but a speed bump before it was off to the races.
Then disaster seemed to strike the control room. In the film, the robots make short work of their own technicians, meaning the teens are left to defend themselves against a murderous band of technoids. It wasn’t much different in the game: The Wolverines seemed to manhandle Ohio State’s offense at every turn, and the coaching decisions were inexplicable against a team the Buckeyes were expected to beat easily.
The defense, on the other hand, had some trick plays up its sleeve: Propane tanks and booby traps took the form of interceptions, big third-down stops. They were fighting for their lives out there, just like the teens who come up with some clever solutions to protect themselves in the film.
It wasn’t enough, in the end. The robots were out for blood, defending their streak against the Buckeyes, while the Ohio State players seemed to get in their own way at every turn (TWO missed field goals! Sloppy interceptions! Useless run plays! Failing to capitalize on multiple Wolverine turnovers). But more egregiously, any adjustments that would have been welcomed from the, uh, control room technicians (aka the coaches) never came.
In the film, it could be said the teens shouldn’t have been in the mall in the first place, but realistically, the robots shouldn’t have been allowed to malfunction and go on a killing spree, with or without the teens present.
Similarly, OSU should never have been put in a position to get in their own way – their miscues were unacceptable, but they weren’t the root problem. The logic board went bad. The control room combusted.
And in an effort to provide some actual football analysis here, what was the reason? Sure, the Wolverines were hungry, but Ohio State continued to let them snack! Why the Buckeyes continued to run the football straight up the middle into the mouths of the starving Wolverines is beyond explanation, and actually, much like we’ve seen in some of the other games where the Buckeyes have struggled, the coaches (specifically head coach Ryan Day and offensive coordinator Chip Kelly) either failed or simply refused to adjust the strategy. There continues to be poor clock management from Day, and Kelly’s play calling was inexcusable.
Beyond seeing the film’s survivors walk out of the mall, we can only imagine the ramifications afterward: Lawsuits, news coverage and most likely, a few people out of their jobs. There’s certainly no legal standing for a lawsuit over this football game (unless I’m allowed to sue for emotional damages), but Day and Kelly’s positions should, frankly, be on the line to make up for the slaughtering their team underwent today. It’s time we fix the issues in the control room, before Protector No. 4 turns next year’s Game into a sequel.
Continue reading...
Jami Jurich via our friends at Land-Grant Holy Land
Visit their fantastic blog and read the full article (and so much more) here
Photo by Ben Jackson/Getty Images
Someone get a technician in the control room, I beg of you.
Honestly, the vibes are so rancid in this moment that it’s hard to even come up with a film that encapsulates what we all witnessed today. The season isn’t over, but it felt like we were attending our own funeral for most of this afternoon. It appeared to be less like a movie and more like a circus nightmare.
But in the spirit of Black Friday yesterday and my unrelated desire to wear black today and for the foreseeable future, humor me: Let’s imagine that today’s game took place not in The Shoe but at the Park Plaza Mall, the setting for the 1986 film “Chopping Mall.”
Park Plaza has recently installed a new, state-of-the-art security system: Robots named Protectors 1, 2 and 3. But when a lightning storm damages their control system, the Protectors go rogue, chasing and killing teens who have decided to throw a party in the mall’s furniture store overnight.
Before the robots began to unleash their horrors, the teens had big dreams of a night of fun with friends, lawlessness, and teenage antics. So too did the dreams of Buckeye fans die a painful death today—dreams of finally snapping our losing streak to the Wolverines. Dreams of handing them a double-digit loss en route to the Big Ten Championship. They were to be but a speed bump before it was off to the races.
Then disaster seemed to strike the control room. In the film, the robots make short work of their own technicians, meaning the teens are left to defend themselves against a murderous band of technoids. It wasn’t much different in the game: The Wolverines seemed to manhandle Ohio State’s offense at every turn, and the coaching decisions were inexplicable against a team the Buckeyes were expected to beat easily.
The defense, on the other hand, had some trick plays up its sleeve: Propane tanks and booby traps took the form of interceptions, big third-down stops. They were fighting for their lives out there, just like the teens who come up with some clever solutions to protect themselves in the film.
It wasn’t enough, in the end. The robots were out for blood, defending their streak against the Buckeyes, while the Ohio State players seemed to get in their own way at every turn (TWO missed field goals! Sloppy interceptions! Useless run plays! Failing to capitalize on multiple Wolverine turnovers). But more egregiously, any adjustments that would have been welcomed from the, uh, control room technicians (aka the coaches) never came.
In the film, it could be said the teens shouldn’t have been in the mall in the first place, but realistically, the robots shouldn’t have been allowed to malfunction and go on a killing spree, with or without the teens present.
Similarly, OSU should never have been put in a position to get in their own way – their miscues were unacceptable, but they weren’t the root problem. The logic board went bad. The control room combusted.
And in an effort to provide some actual football analysis here, what was the reason? Sure, the Wolverines were hungry, but Ohio State continued to let them snack! Why the Buckeyes continued to run the football straight up the middle into the mouths of the starving Wolverines is beyond explanation, and actually, much like we’ve seen in some of the other games where the Buckeyes have struggled, the coaches (specifically head coach Ryan Day and offensive coordinator Chip Kelly) either failed or simply refused to adjust the strategy. There continues to be poor clock management from Day, and Kelly’s play calling was inexcusable.
Beyond seeing the film’s survivors walk out of the mall, we can only imagine the ramifications afterward: Lawsuits, news coverage and most likely, a few people out of their jobs. There’s certainly no legal standing for a lawsuit over this football game (unless I’m allowed to sue for emotional damages), but Day and Kelly’s positions should, frankly, be on the line to make up for the slaughtering their team underwent today. It’s time we fix the issues in the control room, before Protector No. 4 turns next year’s Game into a sequel.
Continue reading...