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Andy Rooney Quotes/E-mail (Merged)

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hoat

hoat

I lick windows. What's your point?
Andy Rooney quotes

This guy is my idol.

Andy Rooney
  • Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
  • Did you know that it costs $40,000 a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for $40,000 apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles -- I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run 12 hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
  • Have you ever noticed? ... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
  • Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
  • If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  • My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
  • My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then, I noticed women were coming up to me. (Sniff.) "Married." (Walk off.) That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
  • The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
  • You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always, like 18%, "I don't know"? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote, and they're voting, "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) 'I don't know!' (Hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone-sex girls for $2.95. (Into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
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BB73 said:
You ever wonder how that whiny old bastard still has a gig on 60 Minutes - just bitching about stuff without being funny?
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That's what I find so amusing about him. Watched him complain about the cotton in the top of aspirin bottles about 20 years ago. The guy thinks about the most miniscule little bullshit and I find it funny. I'm an odd person I know. :biggrin:
 
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What's wrong with bushy eyebrows?

Santaeyebrows.jpg


Better than the monobrow. :lol:

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BB73 said:
You ever wonder how that whiny old bastard still has a gig on 60 Minutes - just bitching about stuff without being funny?
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Well, didn't Mike Wallace just retire from there, at the age of 88? Rooney has got to be close to that same age. How could they tape an episode? It would damn near impossible to catch them both awake at the same time.
 
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What Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund,
Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the UnitedCaucasianCollege Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else

And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE
NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust" on our money and having "God" in the Pledge
of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up and BE QUIET!!!
 
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To bring this thing full circle...

Not only is that fake, as TheMile points out, but that stuff has also been falsely attributed to George Carlin.

I am a big George Carlin fan, and I saw something from the original post in this thread that I recognized from Carlin's act - the whole idiot/maniac drivers thing. I know it's on one of my Carlin recordings somewhere, and perhaps in one of his books too. Maybe he lifted it from Rooney, or Rooney lifted it from him. Or maybe neither of them is all that original. I know I've seen or heard that one elsewhere before though.
 
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DEBuckeye said:
I can't stand Andy Rooney. Every time I hear him open his big whiny mouth I just want to kick him in the face.
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He's annoying to hear. I never find him funny when I watch 60 minutes, or whatever that show is. But I think some of his quotes are pretty good. Unless they aren't "his" quotes, like someone else said. Maybe they are falsely attributed to him. In that case, I still think that the quotes are good.
 
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